Adopt-a-Blogger!

This month, January 2016, we pray for

S @ Mystery Blogger!!

Something a little different coming your way this month, everyone! Sometimes people don't have the flexibility to be open about their infertility and they need to maintain their anonymity. As you can imagine - Conceiving Hope knows a thing or two about that. So what do you do when someone is voted to be our next Adopt-a-Blogger, but isn't ready to share their infertility struggle with the world, their work place, and their family (especially at the holidays!)? You pray doubly hard for them!

This prayer campaign is about praying for those who suffer in silence, and I cannot think of anyone more worthy of prayer than our blogger this month. The upcoming season of Lent reminds us of longing to be through the desert, something the infertile couple knows the feeling of in their vocation to grow their family with no end in sight. It can be heartbreaking, and I pray for  God to lessen your pain.

S describes herself and her intentions below, so please be kind and generous and take a moment and make time to read through this and pray for our mystery blogger this month!

As always, I pray for the intentions of everyone joining me in prayer in this Adopt-a-Blogger campaign, that God's will be done in your life. Happy New Year and here is S in her own words here: 

Thank you for praying for me this January as the Adopt-a-Blogger this month. I feel bad that we aren't able to share our identity since you are so graciously praying for us, but our family and careers are connected to our blogging presence and this isn't a topic we've broached with either of those worlds yet. We've been married for 3 years. We have male factor and female factors involved in our infertility. Both of us have surgeries scheduled in the upcoming month, and we could really use your prayers for healing for that, if nothing else! As we continue to seek God's will to grow our family, we appreciate your support and understanding. Please pray for God to make His will clear in our lives so that we know can answer the call He placed on the sacrament of our marriage. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How it works:


ALL bloggers, readers, commenters, lurkers, lurchers, creepers, crazies (clomid meltdown, aisle 3!), borings, snorings, dazed, confused, and willing - i.e., ALL OF US - will be uniting our prayers for the entire month for the blogger mentioned above. At the same time, across the country, across the Americas, heck, even across the world, our prayers will all be directed in the same place, at the same time. FOR A WHOLE MONTH! Get ready for some SERIOUS fruits, people!

Click on the blog link above to visit the Blogger of the Month's post in which they will give you a brief history of their journey with infertility/adoption/childlessness. Then, continue to follow up and check in on that blogger throughout the month, to become more familiar with them and better align your prayers with their intentions.


Why?:


The idea is to pray a Childless Blogger, one of our own, to a Childless-No-More status. To bridge that final gap, to knock down that final wall, to make them MOMMIES against all odds!! Above all else, our prayers will be for peace and joy in their hearts as only God holds the answer to these prayers.


When?:


All month long! A new Blogger will be announced at the beginning of each new month. This post will be updated on the 1st of every month, so be sure to check back!


So,... How, again??


Pray whatever prayers you'd like. Do a Novena. Say a rosary. Meditate. Say a litany. The Memorare. Whatever your heart desires, whenever it desires it. You may also choose (and this is HIGHLY ENCOURAGED!) to offer up your suffering, any suffering at all, for the Adopted Blogger. Your offering can be as small as your patience with an overtired, sugar-high toddler, or it can be as large as offering your cycle (if you are going through infertility) in the hopes that your cycle will be instead the cycle in which their child is conceived. Singles? You, too have an excellent opportunity to offer your daily wait for a spouse. Not trying to conceive? That's okay- hey, trust me, I'm sure we ALLLLLLL can find some form of suffering in our daily lives to offer up!


So, join in, one and all, and please feel free to STEAL one of these lovely Bloggy Button Thingies for your your blog, facebook, pinterest, twitter, instagram, or wherever:

                                 

                              

The button should link back to this post on your page (steal the current URL from above), so that all blog readers can learn how to join in, and WHO to pray for!

(Remember, the post will be updated on the 1st of each month, so the link changes each time)

Thank you for participating in the Adopt-A-Blogger Prayer Campaign here @ Conceiving Hope!!! Your prayers are powerful, and so very much appreciated! 

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Hosting News! {Adopt-a-Blogger}

So....it's been a giant 1st week of Lent already, but the news just keeps coming. I'm happy  to announce that there will be 

a virtual baton-passing happening on MARCH 1, 2015.

For the past two years, This Cross I Embrace has been hosting an internet-wide prayer campaign called Adopt-a-Blogger. The whole goal of Adopt-a-Blogger is to focus all our prayers on ONE blogger each month to pray him/her out of childlessness. Prayer is a powerful witness of our faith and it's a powerful gift we can freely give each other. If you haven't joined in on Adopt-a-Blogger before, MARCH 1, 2015 is your opportunity to join us for the first time. Anyone can pray along with us! 

So without further ado, I'd like to announce that there will be 

a NEW HOST of Adopt-a-Blogger and it's going to be: 

Conceiving Hope! 

We welcome anyone and everyone to join us. The prayer effort will work identically, but please note: 

1) If you have a link to Adopt-a-Blogger on your website, you'll want to take a moment to update it with the new name, host, link, and location. All the information you need is below.

2) The permalink for Adopt-a-Blogger will now live here: http://conceivinghope.blogspot.com/2015/03/adopt-a-blogger.html

3) There are two new buttons you can use to promote Adopt-a-Blogger on the web. A circle (because really guys, they are pretty!!) and a square. If you have any questions about how to plug them into your blog, just send me a message on the contact form and I can help you navigate it. It's super simple to use either one too! Here are the buttons:

                                                                               
                 

4) TCIE is still going to be praying along with Adopt-a-Blogger each month. We'd love for you to be posting about your prayers for the Adopt-a-Blogger too, so post your links on the permanent post in it's NEW HOME HERE so we can all read them! Be creative!

5) If you need to contact the new host for any reason, please use Conceiving Hope's contact form. 

6) New bloggers will still be chosen each month (we'll be announcing the newest Adopt-a-Blogger on MARCH 1, 2015 @ Conceiving Hope), published on the 1st of the month. If you would like to be considered for an upcoming month - contact Conceiving Hope HERE.

7) That's about it! Hope you'll join in this weekend for Adopt-a-Blogger in its new home on Conceiving Hope!

7 Quick Takes Friday - First Edition! :)

I'm linking up with Conversion Diary to try out this 7 Quick Takes Friday deal-i-o. Here's to trying new things for the month of October. Also, here's to challenging myself to be worthy of all of the prayers people are offering for me, and to do more good with the life I have right now. Today, I'm going to start with these 7 things.

--1--

Today is the first Friday of a new month, so that means we're all praying for a new blogger. Please join me in offering up prayers for someone I consider a friend.  If you visit that link, you'll read a lot of wonderfully articulated thoughts she presents on infertility, marriage, faith, and so many other topics. Truly, Connie is a special person. Love her!

--2--

It's Fall, y'all! :) October is a reminder that all things, even in their decline in nature, are made beautiful through their transformation. And hope will spring again in the new year when life is reborn in nature. I challenge myself and my readers to soak in all that is October. The sights. The smells. The tastes. I'm claiming this this month for myself and hope you'll join me, in doing so for yourself. Let's decide how we might be able to experience a death to ourselves this Autumn to be made new again in the Spring. I'm positive that God rewards this kind of sacrificial effort. Making the deliberate attempt seems worth it. And it seems like a great way to prepare for Advent as well...

--3--

Getting to know you: I want to take this month to get to know my readers more. Here at Conceiving Hope, I only have 7 followers. I have a couple more via facebook. But there are thousands of unique visits to this blog. That means there are a lot of people silent in the background. If you are reading, I want to get to know you a little more, if I can. Comment on my posts and let me know what you think. Was it helpful? Did you disagree? Do you want to see me write about something else? Do you blog? If so, I'd love to follow you! Please post a comment or drop me a message on my contact form and let me know how to follow you. I can't stress this enough - the community I have found in my readers has really informed my conscience on so many levels. Let's form a tighter knit network and support each other better.

--4-- 

Something different: I'm considering writing about some other topics to give myself a little space from the weight and in-your-face-ness of IF right now. What would you like to see me branch out to talking about? Faith, photography, food, daily recaps? Give me your best ideas...

--5--

My next post is going to focus on Catholic family life. I'd like to encourage you to share the post everywhere you can. Changing our language is a big part of changing our collective understanding on this topic. Please use twitter, facebook, pinterest, and instagram...or anywhere you share links or photos. The name of the post will be "Good Catholic Families" and this will be the Permalink: 

http://conceivinghope.blogspot.com/2014/10/good-catholic-families.html

--6--

Conceiving Hope is now on Pinterest! If you'd like to follow - you can go to this link and that will show you our fledgling little page:

http://www.pinterest.com/conceivinghope/

--7--

This past week has been filled with a lot of delicious food over here at Conceiving Hope. I've been wanting to start sharing some recipes with you for a while, so here is a delicious one that I think some of you might love. It's dairy-free, gluten-free optional when you use GF spaghetti, and you can easily swap out the meat if you can't do seafood. Take my word for it - serve this with a garlic aoli. Click on the picture to head on over to the recipe.

September Wrap-Up

My soul is deprived of peace,
I have forgotten what happiness is;
I tell myself my future is lost,
all that I hoped for from the Lord.

But I will call this to mind,
as my reason to have hope:
The favors of the Lord are not exhausted,
his mercies are not spent;
They are renewed each morning,
so great is his faithfulness.
My portion is the Lord, says my soul;
therefore I will hope in him.
--   Lamentations 3:17-18, 21-24

So here we are at the close of September and I have a very different story to tell about how this month has gone than I might have expected. Isn't that usually God's way though?

I want to start off by saying THANK YOU to all of the amazing Adopt-a-Blogger prayer warriors that have kept us in prayer all month long. You also really outdid yourselves with the sweet messages and comments. Every time I was having a rough day, it seemed another note would come my way reminding me that we were being prayed for and that we were not forgotten. Your prayer sustained me in a very real way during a difficult time and for that I am extremely grateful. I look forward to paying it forward to Mrs. October along with you all.

The sunset picture is one that I took in the Outer Banks back in 2006 (can you tell I found an external hard drive lately? :P ) I remember exactly what I was thinking at the time I took that photo. I was so hopeful for the future ahead, and yet crushed by a recent tragedy. It seems rather fitting to put such a quote over top of an amber sky that describes how I was feeling as I snapped that picture. And eight years later, though I find myself in a very different part of my life, I am at once half agony and half hope again. When this month began, as I've previously written about here, there was hope for the impossible. That hope was not blind. It felt nothing less than informed. We were living out a 2WW after two months of the most beautiful hormones and cycles anyone has ever seen. And if you've been following along, you know what a blessing that was in and of itself. We here at Conceiving Hope do not have beautiful cycles or beautiful hormones, let alone back-to-back months of both.

Those dreams for a pregnancy were not realized this month. Our 2WW turned into a 3WW...my entire post peak was filled with mucus and my temp had that three-phase look to it that seems unmistakable and the symptoms began to pour on. All signs pointed to conceiving hope in a real and tangible way. But alas, the positive test wasn't to be. Fourteen times over, it wasn't to be. The cycle that began in the beginning of August has not resolved itself yet. We're still going over here and looking on October's doorstep. So what happened?

Clomid.

That drug I will never, ever put in my body ever again. That's what happened. Isn't it a cruel trick that something we took to make things better ended up making everything worse? I guess the upside is that we now know, in the presence of no hormonal dysfunction, that clomid completely destroys my cycle. I think the clomid created a cyst. And that cyst grew and grew and grew and grew. It burst in a fit of rage and machetes in my pelvis early this morning. Like you can imagine, it was one of those "should I be going to the ER right now" kind of moments and it was such a constant, unrelenting pain that it stole the breath out of my lungs. The pain was unreal. UN. REAL. I was nauseous and vomiting and sweaty and just feeling completely awful. It was like the old days here, but really acute. And then, just as violently as it had begun, it instantly ended. As in, every symptom instantly disappeared.

I now know that the reason I've only been able to manage to eat 6 meals in the past 2 weeks is because of that cyst. It had to be a mix of crazy hormones and the actual cyst itself. I've never IN MY LIFE lacked hunger on this kind of scale....I'm just not that girl. So you can imagine how a lack of ability to stomach more than a couple bites of food would seem realllllly off to me. And you can imagine how not wanting anything at all would be very strange. But that's how it was. Thankfully, I was able to stay hydrated, otherwise I can only ponder how much more miserable I would have been.

So this month of prayer ends with a resolution, but not a resolution for my cycle and not for our dreams to be parents to a living child. This wasn't what I prayed for or what I hoped for and it isn't what I asked you to pray for at all. But it's a resolution nonetheless. Now we know for sure that clomid can't be a part of this journey anymore. After months and months of taking it - isn't it ironic that it essentially prevented the very thing we took it for?

So I leave September much more worn than I entered it, and worse for wear in a lot of ways... but I do not leave it devoid of hope. I leave September with a ridiculous cycle that will likely cross the 60 day mark well into October, with no baby and a lot of physical agony under my infertile belt over here. But I don't leave without hope.

I'm considering stopping meds at this point and just letting my body rest for the first time in almost 2 years. I'm considering letting go. And I feel pretty at peace with the decision to do both right now, which is no small feat for someone who has been face first in aggressively trying to sort out these health mysteries for so long. It's funny how you can be grieving and at peace at the same time, isn't it? I think it's something I need to learn how to do though, with the due date of our miscarried daughter fast approaching in October. I need to find a little more quiet time with God and a lot less anxious time with myself if I'm going to be able to learn how to manage that. What my heart needs is find a way to listen more through the hurting for the voice of God that is merciful enough to heal. And I'm not sure I can manage that with the noise of the meds right now. I know people all have a different stomach for this journey and some of my readers have been down this path for more than a decade. Some of my readers have lived through an unspeakable number of losses. But what I'm learning about myself this September is that I need a break. The favors of the Lord are not exhausted, his mercies are not spent...

And at this age, I realize what a break could potentially mean for us and I feel no more able to make that dream of having children a reality than I did when I first started TTC. It's almost a relief to be "giving up" right now. I need rest. I just have to trust that the Lord's plans are not exhausted and cling to the knowledge that His plans are better than my own. And I'm not going to find any of that in clomid. 

Of that I'm sure.

Little Happies Part Deux

--one--

So many people have prayed for me this month as Mrs. September Adopt-a-Blogger. I found myself feeling the power of that prayer all month long, but particularly tonight for a lot of reasons. I'll be posting a recap tomorrow for everyone who has been following along. In the meantime, I'm happy to have your prayers. It definitely qualifies as a big happy, so that's why I'm listing it first. I hope it's not selfish to ask you for one more day of prayer for me and DH: 

For understanding God's will for children for us...

--two--

God put on quite a show tonight.

There was a rainbow at dusk tonight. Not just a little color in the sky - a big, giant, bow that stretched as far as you could see. Opposite the rainbow was a hot pink sky as the sun was setting. And just as the sun set in the background, the gas street lanterns came on and made the prettiest little cell phone photo there ever was. 

Do rainbows stir your imagination?

Do you think it had something to do with Michael, Raphael, and Gabriel tonight? Perhaps the little storm that brought on this triumphant bow of color was a way for the Heavens to mark the anniversary of today's feast?

Whatever it was, I'll take it! :)

--three-- 

Happy Michaelmas! I am starting to see the beauty of marking and celebrating all of the feasts in the calendar year. In fact, a lot of the feasts I've been reading about lately (including today's!) used to be considered Holy Days of Obligation. While there was no Mass offered for this occasion that I could find, I did read that there are specific foods and traditions and even flowers associated with today. Purple asters. Blackberries. Goose. Carrots. Oh my! :) If you are looking for something to whip up for dinner, Haley over at Carrots for Michaelmas has got you covered with plenty of ideas for how to celebrate today in style.

Finding Meaning in Suffering

This weekend has been difficult to say the least. I find myself a mix of numb and wanting to find meaning in all of this. It can't all just be endless, dark suffering. I already know what letting yourself go down that path does and I worked hard to get back from it the last time we had a miscarriage. I can't bring myself to accept this feeling for months on end right now. So I did what I always do and I try to search for meaning in suffering. I used to just go straight to the Book of Job. It's an easy read when you are pondering a pestilence in your life. Or rather, it's an easy target in the Bible. 

Lately, I haven't been going there though. I've been looking to the feast of the days that I suffer. Finding meaning in our faith has been more enriching than reading about the torture Job endured (again). And I'm learning more about myself and my relationship to the Holy Family in doing so, for what it's worth. It certainly isn't an easy effort. But I have found more meaning in it than just meditating on the rosary or praying a novena or reading a specific Scripture. Or maybe it's just that it feels like less of a selfish endeavor? I don't know.

That's actually one of the beautiful things about our faith - the diversity of the teachings. We have so many places to go to find God, don't we? Even in a moment like this, I find myself drawn to Him and wanting to understand where I fit in His plan. And no amount of 'fitting' means anything without understanding the origin of Christ's passion.

So a-feasting I went.You might want to go grab a cup of tea. This ain't gonna be a short read. Nor is it gonna to be fun. I guess a small part of whatever is left of me right now hopes you might also find some meaning in suffering and that the effort I put into trying to understand this will help you too. I had to at least try. So without further ado... here's what I came up with:

Feast of the Holy Cross

September 14th was the Feast of the Holy Cross. As Christians, we celebrate an instrument of death. We set aside a whole day just to celebrate the implement used to torture the Son of God. Maybe that seems strange, but given what I was doing yesterday…suffering my own body and the death of possibility…it makes perfect sense to me.

There is mystery in both infertility and the cross. Christ made His cross a source of life for the world though, and that is why we make time to celebrate it. There is nothing but the pain of death for us without the cross. We are the grain of the wood in the cross and it is very much a part of us in all that we do. So as much as I want to say that there is no meaning to be found in the void that infertility leaves in my life (and the pain that it so constantly brings), I know that all things are redeemed already. If we are all a part of the cross, that means God didn’t forget this pain. Not even this pain.
 
I am the cross and the cross is mine. When I was born, I became His through baptism. But even in that moment of cleansing, I was marked with the cross on my forehead. A symbol of death painted across the fresh, chrism-scented skin on a newborn baby…

And it doesn’t end there. I was taught how to greet the Lord every Sunday as a young child. You dip your fingers into the font outside the sanctuary and you cross yourself in the name of the Truine God. You literally reclaim your baptism with a symbol of the instrument of death by anointing yourself before you prepare to worship. And you repeat this as a preparation for every prayer you pray. Everywhere we go in our daily lives through the years of Christian Catholic life, we are putting on Christ through the cross in this motion. Do we always stop to think of why we do it though? Do we realize we are welcoming suffering with this act?

I can certainly say that I am not conscious of it 100% of the time. But I was conscious of it 100% of yesterday. I was helpless from the profound pain and truth that the cross represents. And as I sat there, feeling like all hope had been ripped from me and that all the power and strength and resolve in my weary soul had been crushed, I somehow became aware that the cross is not supposed to be a source of death to me. How can hope be dead, when Christ conquered the cross? How can there be no redemption from infertility when Christ rose from the dead so that I might live? How can I be dead inside when I’ve been redeemed by God?

In every way, it began to make me feel like the cross was my only protection from this sorrow that I felt. Do you remember the antiphon we sing at the moment of baptism? “You have put on Christ, in Him we have been baptized. Alleluia, Alleluia!”. I started to think of the cross as shining armor in that moment when for some reason this antiphon popped into my head – Christ’s redemption is literally something I could wear. Why hadn’t I thought of that before? (said the girl who has plenty of Catholic jewelry – not the least of which are crosses, medals, prayer beads…). I’m brilliant, y’all. You know, like a 5 year old who thinks they just invented something because it just occurred to them for the first time in earnest. Annnnyyyway.... Just like the priest so broadly signed a cross onto my forehead as a newborn, I started to understand the meaning in my own pathetic suffering. With that realization, I quickly make the sign of the cross and wept until I had no tears. And that took hours.

Speaking of gut wrenching sorrow…

Our Lady of Sorrows

How apropos is it that today is the Feast of Our Lady of Sorrows?? Great, now I have to figure out how to connect (once again) to a mother figure and understand her pain at losing her child… while I mourn a child that I don’t have. JUST WHAT I WANTED TO DO TODAY after I’m left with the soreness in my abs (from weeping) of someone who did 1000 crunches yesterday.

Don’t get me wrong, I get that the Blessed Mother suffered intensely and grieved the brutal torture and death of her Son. And maybe it’s a good thing that I find myself basically incapable of connecting to anything but her suffering right now. Mary and I have a weird relationship. Suffering is the only thing that really helps me connect to her. It’s not for lack of praying, but it’s also a reason to keep praying. That’s where Mary and I are anyway.

So Our Lady of Sorrows. What are we celebrating? Yesterday was a celebration of an instrument of death – so I suppose today is a celebration of gut-wrenching agony. Times seven. Because that’s how the Bible rolls…

The Bible provides seven sorrows, to be specific. These are:

The dark prophecy of Simeon

The flight of the Holy Family into Egypt

The loss and discovery Jesus in the Temple

Mary meeting Jesus on His way to Calvary with the cross

Mary at the foot of Jesus on the cross during crucifixion

Mary holding Jesus after He was pierced by the lance and taken down from the cross

The burial of Jesus

It’s not just suffering Jesus’ death that this feast is celebrating. It’s so much more. It’s a veritable pain buffet that spans Jesus’ entire life. We’re reminded that motherhood *is* suffering in this feast day. And there are real examples that modern day mothers can certainly relate to in these seven examples (ask any parent who has lost a child in a store in the blink of an eye…).

But it has to be more than that. I have to believe that this is a day that highlights the essence of female suffering and that it is not about physical motherhood as much as it is about the nature of being a woman. Are we not meant to suffer? As I look up images of Our Lady of Sorrows, I notice that Mary’s heart is often depicted with swords piercing her heart. I can relate to that feeling right now. And yet I have no child in my arms. How can I relate to anything Mary suffered?

I’m also finding that in previous years, this feast was known as Our Lady of Compassion. And I think most of us know the Latin derivation for the word compassion is ‘cum’ and ‘patior’ (literally: to suffer with). So maybe I find not a mother to look at in Mary so much as I find someone to suffer with me. I don’t know. We’re not there yet. She’s the master of willing it to be done unto her according to God’s will – and I am most certainly not. I wish I could say I was, but who among us has reached that in their infertility journey – especially a couple years into it?

The one thing I do understand about Mary though…is that she joined in with the suffering. She knew it had to happen. She knew Christ would be taken from her beyond her own power, just as He was given to her. And she joined herself to that reality and suffered it with Jesus.

The only thing I can understand in this moment is that joining my suffering (the suffering that I feel in the utter emptiness and hopelessness of my own barren womb) to the suffering of Mary may be the only way that I can understand today’s feast. I'm mourning a lack of being able to suffer as a mother. And it kind of messes with my head to think of it that way right now.

I think it’s a more powerful statement to admit *I'm not there yet* on this topic as a Catholic than to pretend I have some bigger understanding of this than I do. Someone needs to hear that today and I don’t know who it is. All I know for certain is that Mary saw redemption win with her own eyes. She saw her own flesh and blood defeat death. And that inspires a kind of hope that is much, much bigger than the pains of my infertility. At least - it should.

Speaking of seeing redemption win…
 

Let Me See Redemption Win

Truth be told, when I returned from Switzerland and France in the beginning of September, already a week into the dreaded 2WW, I was overjoyed to learn that I had been crowned to be this month's Adopt-a-Blogger. We felt like it was a life preserver sent from above to help us when we needed it most. After all, it had taken all of our strength to find the courage to TTC this past cycle. Prayer and grace were what we needed to sustain us through the waiting.

I was starting to see and feel some very reliable pregnancy symptoms. I found myself thinking and hoping and praying that this was the month that IF died and I was prayed into pregnancy. And all of you, my generous friends and readers, joined me in prayer to that effect. The timing just seemed perfect. Everything seemed perfect. I was amazed that we had found the courage to TTC again after so many losses, so it was amazing to be feeling like such a huge and long-prayed-for-miracle might be coming to life all at once. DH was convinced this was it. And the symptoms kept coming. It all seemed too good to be true. 

And it was.

I'm drowning. And it's happening painfully and slowly and I can't even help myself out of it. It doesn't seem to matter how often I converse with God, or how often I meditate on the mysteries of the rosary, or how many novenas I pray, or how often I just sit in silence with Him...there are no answers being given. No directions being given on how to take a left turn away from this pain and emptiness. No encouragement on how to soldier through it. There's just this giant echoing silence. I'm worn. Even before the day begins.

Christ, I long to understand Your plan for my life. I want to understand the purpose of this suffering. And I find myself praying this week more that You would rob me of the deep longing to be a mother than anything else. If Your plan is to leave my arms empty and to never know the joy of children, then I wish you would just make that clear and take this from me. If you have already redeemed this intense suffering that I'm lost in, let me know the struggle ends. 

I know You can give me rest.

I know You can mend a heart that's frail and torn.

I know that all that's dead inside me can be reborn.

I'm just too weak and life won't let up.

I'm crying out with all I have left. My prayers are wearing thin.

I've lost my will to fight.

I'm worn.

Every single lyric in this song could have been sung by my own heart.

 

Mrs. September

 

Hi, and welcome to my humble little corner of the internet. I'm glad you've stopped by. If you linked here from This Cross I Embrace, then you are probably looking to learn a little more about me (us), our story, and what we're praying for these days. I hope to provide what you're looking for - but if you have any questions or are looking for something you can't find - leave me a message in the comments and I'll be happy to help however I can.

First, I'd like to humbly thank Amy for making me September's Adopt-a-blogger. It is interesting timing, to say the least. If you haven't followed my blog, you can catch up on our Infertility Timeline here. If you *have* been following along, you know that the severe pain and dysfunction I've struggled with for YEARS has recently been vanquished, in no small part to the care and puzzle solving skills of my brilliant NaPro doctor over the past 20 months. I've had two cycles without PMS for the first time in my menstruating life. I've had two textbook cycles for the first time since I began medical treatment and charting. All signs point to hope for amazing things this month with the courage to TTC. If you want to read about why this is such an exciting time in my life, you can read about what things used to be here.

We need so many prayers. Our hearts are broken and so afraid to hope. We fear conception as much as we fear infertility. And as much as we pray so fervently for others - we are wimps here at Conceiving Hope. We are on our knees this month, trying so hard to trust God's will in our life.

A bit about us: DH is a librarian and was born and raised in Dublin, Ireland. He's a kind, gentle soul and his eyes are on God and me. He's amazing. I'm a bit of everything else that DH isn't, and I really have to work for my relationship with God (hard), That said, I'm passionate about my marriage and laser focused on trying to build a family with my husband, just in case sheer effort and focus can ever sway God one-way-or-the-other. Be honest, you know what I'm talking about UBER CHARTERS. I was born in the States (Jersey farm girl here!), but have called Virginia my home for almost 10 years now. We're in the middle of navigating the sale of my house in the US and coordinating immigration for permanent residence in Ireland. We originally made this decision before our heartbreaking losses.... because we wanted to be close to family when starting our own. Infertility doesn't care about your plans though, just fyi, so the choice is altogether for different reasons now. I need to be near a family that will surround us with love even is there are no children ahead for us, as much as that pains my fingers to type. In every way, they have been supportive and loving and understanding of our heartaches this past year and a half. I want to be close to them in spirit and in proximity...so to Ireland I will go.

We're just waiting on my house to sell now. It's the last teeny step before I expatriate. So a giant move and cultural shift are happening this year - on top of grieving the deaths and murders of several loved ones as well. 2014 has been brutal. If anything, we have been reminded how much we need prayers this year, like no other before it. We are incapable of anything without God in our lives. That is the clear message.

A bit about our month ahead - and why your prayers are so needed:

Somewhere in the midst of all the change ahead of us (where we're positive my cycle will descend into stupid and ugly territory) - we closed our eyes tight and prayed to God for direction this month. Do we leave this cycle on the table and just hope for better days ahead? Silence. Do we hold on tight and trust in your will? Silence. Do we make a concerted effort to TTC and let God work a miracle, if that's His plan? We both felt like that's what we were being called to (despite me having every excuse in the book for why that's an awful idea on paper right now). But God's will trumps my logic and so scrunched up face and all, I downed the double dose of clomid this month and found myself wondering if there was a possibility for anything but heartache ahead. It's true that my cycles has been more hope-filled and healthy looking this month (and last) than they have been in years. It's true that I would do anything for a baby (twins). It's true that I want to start a family and no silly practicality like money, stable housing, residency in a country, or any other ridiculous frivolity (eeeekkk) should have any bearing on God's will for my family.

All of this is to say that I am hanging on by a thread over here. A mighty, mighty, silk thread. And your prayers are so, so needed. And wanted. And appreciated.

The courage to hope is no small feat. Every post I've made on this blog has centered around the topic of Hope and where it freely pours from the springs above us. With your help and God's grace, I hope to not lose my mind these next few weeks in daring to believe in the impossible once again.

And just in case you wanted to know what I'm praying for and what I will be so bold as to ask you to join me in asking God to dole out.................well...............that would be............................. twins :)

 
Scared out of my mind to even try - and bold enough to beg for twins. That's about as appropriate of an introduction to me as anyone ever wrote :P

Thank you for reading my ramblings. Thank you for joining us in prayer for the impossible. Thank you for keeping us in mind this month. You truly have the capacity to take part in a miracle this month, if God wills it. We are one week into the 2ww right now and I'm congested, fevery, and exhausted.

Only time will tell what that means. Until then, yes, those are my brains oozing onto the sidewalk over there. Just step around them. Nothing to see here.

Enchanté

P.S. If this is your first time stopping by the blog, click on the 'humor' tab if you enjoy awful artwork. I illustrate the moments in life that Hall.mar.k. just doesn't seem to have any cards for... 

P.P.S If you have any prayers left - yes I know I'm being a hog now - please pray for my luggage from a recent trip to be returned to me. I have no clean clothing or underwear until that suitcase is returned, since I'm mid-move.

Adopt-a-Blogger

I began reading blogs about fertility well before I started putting my thoughts into a blog of my own. One of the things that stood out to me in the sea of blogs that I came across was the 'Adopt-a-Blogger' prayer that is published on This Cross I Embrace. The reason it struck me was because it was one of the first really positive infertility thoughts I came across in the sea of despair being expressed on the topic.

It makes sense that no one LOVES being infertile. Not one of us would have signed up for it at a silent auction if it was up for bid. Am I right? Of course I am. What I think is so unique about adopting someone to pray for every month is that it's something I can *do* about infertility. So much of this walk is focused on myself, what I eat, how I exercise, what medicines I take, how they make me feel, what they do, what works and doesn't.... and all of that brings my focus right back to me.

Praying for someone else is something I have routinely seen God's grace in very clearly. While I sit here and struggle with my own prayers for myself and how to wrestle with my faith and my resolve and my struggles....I never struggle in praying for other people. I stand up and wrestle God with fearlessness for other people. Out loud. With gusto. Why is that?! Why does it occur to us to be such prayer warriors for others? I think it is a reminder that we're not supposed to be hyper-focused on ourselves all the time. We're here to help other people and to be supported by them much more than we're here to just focus on ourselves all the time.

That said, I've learned a lot about myself and how to pray because of the prayers I have prayed for others' intentions. My discussions with God have evolved over time because of the effort. And it's more of a dialogue now than me just barking and whining about my problems. Don't get me wrong - God's tough enough to manage that too. I just think I've gotten beyond that most days. Even saying that, I don't want you to think I'm sitting here glowing from all my praying virtue over here. I still think God listens especially attentively to the prayers I can't manage to pray out loud. You know - the ones said in between tears and breathless weeping. And there's lot of that going on in any given month over here.

Praying for people to receive the gifts I most want for myself seems to be the thing God routinely listens to me about. There's something to learn there, isn't there? Hi God, it's me - bonehead....


So, with all of that said - I so very much want a set of twins. You all know this by now don't you? (In my head it reads 'For God so loved world, He gave me twins...'). Anyway, I pray those prayers two-by-two, hoping God listens and just decides He needs to send some extra babies down to Earth and I'm offering free room and board in my womb for as many as He feels like handing me. So given that is the prayer I most often pray, I've decided to pray it for someone else this month. So look out Chateau D'IF - you've got some twin prayers coming your way.

I'll be praying for you every day, all month long. And I hope everyone reading here will join me.