Adopt-a-Blogger!

This month, January 2016, we pray for

S @ Mystery Blogger!!

Something a little different coming your way this month, everyone! Sometimes people don't have the flexibility to be open about their infertility and they need to maintain their anonymity. As you can imagine - Conceiving Hope knows a thing or two about that. So what do you do when someone is voted to be our next Adopt-a-Blogger, but isn't ready to share their infertility struggle with the world, their work place, and their family (especially at the holidays!)? You pray doubly hard for them!

This prayer campaign is about praying for those who suffer in silence, and I cannot think of anyone more worthy of prayer than our blogger this month. The upcoming season of Lent reminds us of longing to be through the desert, something the infertile couple knows the feeling of in their vocation to grow their family with no end in sight. It can be heartbreaking, and I pray for  God to lessen your pain.

S describes herself and her intentions below, so please be kind and generous and take a moment and make time to read through this and pray for our mystery blogger this month!

As always, I pray for the intentions of everyone joining me in prayer in this Adopt-a-Blogger campaign, that God's will be done in your life. Happy New Year and here is S in her own words here: 

Thank you for praying for me this January as the Adopt-a-Blogger this month. I feel bad that we aren't able to share our identity since you are so graciously praying for us, but our family and careers are connected to our blogging presence and this isn't a topic we've broached with either of those worlds yet. We've been married for 3 years. We have male factor and female factors involved in our infertility. Both of us have surgeries scheduled in the upcoming month, and we could really use your prayers for healing for that, if nothing else! As we continue to seek God's will to grow our family, we appreciate your support and understanding. Please pray for God to make His will clear in our lives so that we know can answer the call He placed on the sacrament of our marriage. 

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How it works:


ALL bloggers, readers, commenters, lurkers, lurchers, creepers, crazies (clomid meltdown, aisle 3!), borings, snorings, dazed, confused, and willing - i.e., ALL OF US - will be uniting our prayers for the entire month for the blogger mentioned above. At the same time, across the country, across the Americas, heck, even across the world, our prayers will all be directed in the same place, at the same time. FOR A WHOLE MONTH! Get ready for some SERIOUS fruits, people!

Click on the blog link above to visit the Blogger of the Month's post in which they will give you a brief history of their journey with infertility/adoption/childlessness. Then, continue to follow up and check in on that blogger throughout the month, to become more familiar with them and better align your prayers with their intentions.


Why?:


The idea is to pray a Childless Blogger, one of our own, to a Childless-No-More status. To bridge that final gap, to knock down that final wall, to make them MOMMIES against all odds!! Above all else, our prayers will be for peace and joy in their hearts as only God holds the answer to these prayers.


When?:


All month long! A new Blogger will be announced at the beginning of each new month. This post will be updated on the 1st of every month, so be sure to check back!


So,... How, again??


Pray whatever prayers you'd like. Do a Novena. Say a rosary. Meditate. Say a litany. The Memorare. Whatever your heart desires, whenever it desires it. You may also choose (and this is HIGHLY ENCOURAGED!) to offer up your suffering, any suffering at all, for the Adopted Blogger. Your offering can be as small as your patience with an overtired, sugar-high toddler, or it can be as large as offering your cycle (if you are going through infertility) in the hopes that your cycle will be instead the cycle in which their child is conceived. Singles? You, too have an excellent opportunity to offer your daily wait for a spouse. Not trying to conceive? That's okay- hey, trust me, I'm sure we ALLLLLLL can find some form of suffering in our daily lives to offer up!


So, join in, one and all, and please feel free to STEAL one of these lovely Bloggy Button Thingies for your your blog, facebook, pinterest, twitter, instagram, or wherever:

                                 

                              

The button should link back to this post on your page (steal the current URL from above), so that all blog readers can learn how to join in, and WHO to pray for!

(Remember, the post will be updated on the 1st of each month, so the link changes each time)

Thank you for participating in the Adopt-A-Blogger Prayer Campaign here @ Conceiving Hope!!! Your prayers are powerful, and so very much appreciated! 

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Infant Loss Awareness Day

I am keeping vigil with all who mourn, grieve, and wait... because today is the same as every other day on the calendar when you've experienced the loss of a child: every day is Infant Loss Awareness Day.

They are all gone too soon.

Be good to yourself before clicking on any of the links below - know that you will see pictures of pregnant bellies, children, and talk of pregnancy in all of them, even the academic links. If you are new to this blog, please see the resources tab for help on how to manage a loss at all stages of the process (before, during, and after) physically, practically, spiritually, and in remembrance.

Miscarried and stillborn babies, as well as infants who died after birth... are all now saints in Heaven (not angels), being held in the arms of our Creator. We, as women, delivered them into this world through our bodies, but a small part of them physically remains behind in us forever. The scientific phenomenon is called microchimerism. And there is a lot of research behind it in recent years.

Our children remain with us at a cellular level forever. That makes every mother of a lost child a sacred relic, if you think about it for a moment. I am praying with all of you and for all of you as we navigate another reminder of all who are missing in our lives. We are not broken. Our children are literally strengthening us from within, for years to come. As long as we live, they are here within us, a tangible part of us that remains literally in our hearts and minds. And we are not the same as we were before them. Even those whose losses were so early that they never had an ultrasound... you are changed. Your child is a reality as you live and breathe each moment. In fact, those experiencing recurring miscarriage are more likely to experience this phenomenon, statistically speaking.

But until we get to cradle them in our arms, in the home of our Heavenly Father, let us keep vigil with each other.

Seven Quick Takes (#9)

Lots and lots and lots going on this week. Welcome to my 9th edition of 7QT, and it's going to be pretty NFP heavy y'all. Time has ben flying over here this month. They weren't kidding when they said March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb, were they?? Are we in lamb territory yet? :)
                                          

FCP Training - As you may have noticed from the counter on the right hand side of this blog, it's time for my actual FCP training. EP1 is about 1,000 miles away from where I sit as of this moment...so a roadtripping I shall go. We started this venture on Fat Tuesday and we can't believe how fast you (and God) have answered our big YES to this calling. It truly, truly would not be happening without all of you! The excitement for what's ahead (learning new stuff, geeking out on something I already really dig, and all of the unfortunate amazing car dancing in my near future is pretty palpable here. That excitement is only grounded by the gravity of the work and studying that is ahead of me. And *gulp*, just to make it all-the-more intimidating, I've just learned in the past 24 hours that the training is 100% filled with doctors.... except.... you know... ME. Nothing to see here. Just a small little freak out about how crazy that detail is. As I said before, I will never, ever forget how this career began.

What Infertile Women Eat - This was a week where I went with this logic: Can't have gluten, dairy, nuts, nightshades, or refined sugar? Eat more bacon. Big, thick, natural slices of bacon. Oink. That's not the important part of this WIWE update though. There is such an exciting food detail ahead of me, I don't know *what* to do to properly express my excitement about it. It takes a LOT to evoke excitement on the category of food anymore. So y'all funded my tuition in record time and then people started asking to cover travel expenses...then food. The Lord kept bringing you to my doorstep to help, we kept saying yes, and then it got delicious. A generous couple has donated an entire week's worth of Paleo AIP meals to me for this training. They bought it from a service called Paleo to Go. It's basically a gourmet chef who cooks exactly for your food needs, then the food is delivered to you. I'm SO excited about it because traveling involves an inevitable amount of itchiness, allergic reactions, gastro issues, etc. that come up because off-limits stuff gets hidden in your food no matter what you do. I've been on trips before where I basically had to survive on lettuce for a week. It's not fun. But not this time! This trip will be as simple as opening a custom packed box later today and putting all the wholesome safe meals into the fridge. Y'all spoiled me!

Prayer Request - Please pray for my long road trip to be safe, for my training to be fruitful, and for all of the doctors at this educational program to bring pro-life NFP in the form of C.reighton back to their hometowns.

A year of "parenthood" - It has taken a while to share news of my miscarriages openly, but I took the plunge publicly on my facebook page on our 1st child's 1st birthday. An outpouring of love from everyone ensued and my heart felt a little less heavy. It was all anxiety and tears before the post and none after it, so I know the Holy Spirit was close by.
"Today would have been the 1st birthday of our 1st child, Ruadhán Pádraig. As you all celebrate the Feast of St. Patrick this year, know that we are mourning the loss of a child who is not with us. There is no birthday cake and no balloons. There is no party or giggling baby. What I have learned from my first year of "parenthood" is that this child was not *just* a miscarriage as so many have told me. His death cannot be explained away as some trite explanation of God's "plan". And this sadness and emptiness that we feel is not something you "get over with time". There is a Ruadhán-sized hole that is cauterized right into the flesh of my heart. I am the only place he ever called home before he went home to be with Christ, so I am forever changed by the short time I was granted to be his Earthly mother. Our hearts and our minds connect with our children the moment we know they are there, no matter how tiny. Perhaps the words of Laura Bush say it all better than I can manage on a day like today: "The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"







The power of prayer - At the risk of sounding like a broken record on the topic of prayers, I wanted to remind everyone to take a moment and think of someone you can pray for in your life. Sometimes, the prayers we offer, organize, and deliver can have a powerful impact on the people around us. I've done three spiritual bouquets since I initially published this card. And over 100 people have downloaded it to make their own bouquet. Do you have a Lenten prayer buddy? Is a family member sick? Is someone you know falling on hard times? Is there a reason to offer prayers of thanksgiving for something amazing in your life? All of those things are a great reason to put your prayers together in support of someone else in a tangible way. HERE is what it is like for someone to open up a spiritual bouquet. It makes a difference.














Your messages to us - This week, since I'll be on the road, I'd like to pray rosaries for my readers' intentions. If you have any intentions that you'd like me to pray for you...just throw them down in the comments of this thread or send me a message on our contact form! I'm very happy to do it. Remember that no intention is trivial - send them all my way! <3

This Ain't the Lyceum - Don't forget to visit the host of 7QT!

P.S. You get an additional one this week with the Irish Feasting and all. Go make yourself some of these. Tá tú fáilte roimh! :)

Hosting News! {Adopt-a-Blogger}

So....it's been a giant 1st week of Lent already, but the news just keeps coming. I'm happy  to announce that there will be 

a virtual baton-passing happening on MARCH 1, 2015.

For the past two years, This Cross I Embrace has been hosting an internet-wide prayer campaign called Adopt-a-Blogger. The whole goal of Adopt-a-Blogger is to focus all our prayers on ONE blogger each month to pray him/her out of childlessness. Prayer is a powerful witness of our faith and it's a powerful gift we can freely give each other. If you haven't joined in on Adopt-a-Blogger before, MARCH 1, 2015 is your opportunity to join us for the first time. Anyone can pray along with us! 

So without further ado, I'd like to announce that there will be 

a NEW HOST of Adopt-a-Blogger and it's going to be: 

Conceiving Hope! 

We welcome anyone and everyone to join us. The prayer effort will work identically, but please note: 

1) If you have a link to Adopt-a-Blogger on your website, you'll want to take a moment to update it with the new name, host, link, and location. All the information you need is below.

2) The permalink for Adopt-a-Blogger will now live here: http://conceivinghope.blogspot.com/2015/03/adopt-a-blogger.html

3) There are two new buttons you can use to promote Adopt-a-Blogger on the web. A circle (because really guys, they are pretty!!) and a square. If you have any questions about how to plug them into your blog, just send me a message on the contact form and I can help you navigate it. It's super simple to use either one too! Here are the buttons:

                                                                               
                 

4) TCIE is still going to be praying along with Adopt-a-Blogger each month. We'd love for you to be posting about your prayers for the Adopt-a-Blogger too, so post your links on the permanent post in it's NEW HOME HERE so we can all read them! Be creative!

5) If you need to contact the new host for any reason, please use Conceiving Hope's contact form. 

6) New bloggers will still be chosen each month (we'll be announcing the newest Adopt-a-Blogger on MARCH 1, 2015 @ Conceiving Hope), published on the 1st of the month. If you would like to be considered for an upcoming month - contact Conceiving Hope HERE.

7) That's about it! Hope you'll join in this weekend for Adopt-a-Blogger in its new home on Conceiving Hope!

Seven Quick Takes (#7)

With a full week of Lent under us this year, there are no signs of things slowing down over here!! Here's our 7th edition of 7QT and it's action packed! Thank you to everyone for praying and supporting us through this giant past week. We felt your love and support the entire way.

                                          

FCP Training - We have been nothing short of drop-jaw-amazed at the generosity of our friends, and their friends, and even complete strangers this week. At every turn of this journey to discern becoming an FCP, the path has been cleared. This week was no different. With only 20 calendar days until this training session begins, I'm happy to announce that I just learned that I've been ACCEPTED into the program and I've been granted a $1,000 grant from OSV for this training. Thank you to everyone for encouraging me to apply. I know we have a lot of work ahead (and a ton of studying!!), but this path is already enormously blessed and my faith has been doubled and redoubled in God's plan for us this year. Since we originally posted the "donate" button --> on our page on Fat Tuesday, you all have donated $274.93 out of the $4,000 remaining funds needed. If we have been the focus of your almsgiving this Lent, know that you have our humble thanks and our constant prayers. We still have quite a bit of fundraising to do before I travel all those miles to training. I hope you will prayerfully consider helping me get there. More details/updates in the weeks to come!

What Infertile Women Eat - This week involved a wonderful treat that I shared with friends. Korean food was on the menu this time and our Wednesday dinner was a special treat because of it. Skirt steak from my local butcher (pastured and grassfed!) that we marinated all day, chopped across the grain, and turned into Korean bulgogi. And that's not all! We actually served it as lettuce wraps, so we made a food assembly line on the kitchen island and we lined up all the options. Romaine lettuce leaves, jasmine steamed rice, bulgogi meat, mushrooms and scallions and carrots sauteed in sesame oil, (homemade) mak kimchi cooked down with some veggies and oil, crumbled nori (seaweed), sesame seeds, and a delicious ssamjang to top it all off (and of course raw mak kimchi as banchan!). We enjoyed it with a lovely chilled Virginia Viognier and it was a fantastic pairing.

Prayer Request Update - So many people from around the US and the world have been praying for my dear father-in-law. As many of you know, the Irish are not known for their over-the-top expressions of emotion. But this week involved a lot of really scary moments...so emotions were in full force. Lots of expressions of love going all the way around. Our only good news so far came today that swelling and lung fluid are slowly retreating. He hasn't been able to even talk the past few days because he's been struggling for air that much. Thank you to all the people keeping my beloved family in prayer. I'm deeply indebted to you for the thoughtfulness and for each of you raising up your suffering for him to our Lord. And we've shared each prayer offering with him...and he continues to be amazed at all the people praying to St. Anthony (his favorite intercessor) with him.

Printable Spiritual Prayer Bouquet - Speaking of prayers!! This got published under-the-radar because I needed it to be at the time (remember when I mentioned it here?). I organized my first spiritual bouquet this past month. The project began on January 20th and it ended on February 20th. I will be posting some pictures of what my prayer bouquet looked like once it was complete, what it entailed, how I approached it. It was an entire month dedicated to rosaries, novenas, mass offerings, adoration hours, fasting, and acts of charity. The completed prayer bouquet is en route to the recipient via snail mail and I want her to be the first to see the completed project before I share anything here. This bouquet was compiled for a very specific tribute and I hope it expresses all the love that was put into it. So for now, I'm sharing the link to the FREE printable cards (with instructions!) I created that you can download here to make your own spiritual bouquet. Share. Pray. Repeat.

St. Monica, My 2015 Patron Saint - She continues to kick some tail, this awesome saint. When I originally pulled this saint for my patron, I was a bit confused at how she could be my intercessor. And then a friend confided in me about abuse in her marriage. Then another friend confided in me about her marriage falling apart from difficulties. Then another friend confided in me about infidelity in her marriage. Then another friend confided in me about mental illness breaking up a marriage. Over a period of three weeks, I've learned some dark, dark things going on in marriages all around me (in some pretty devout Catholic couples!). My husband and I are taking this "spiritual attack" very seriously and we are praying vigilantly for ourselves and all marriages - that God would offer protection to all those who shared this sacred bond. St. Monica, pray for us! She has done an AWESOME job supporting these prayers so far...so please consider her as your own intercessor if you know someone struggling! 

   

Speaking of prayers again - you have been reaching out to us and asking us to pray for you. Keep using our contact form and asking! We love hearing from our readers and we are very happy to pray for you. We've been asked if you need to donate to our CrMS training fund in order for us to offer prayers for you and I just want to give a great big NO to that question. Our prayers are offered free of any obligation. We'll never offer to pray for you with conditions. That said, we know some of you are donating in memory of children. If you *have* asked us to pray for a special intention along with your contribution, know that we are keeping those intentions in nightly prayers as well. Accept all as Christ, right? <3

This Ain't the Lyceum - Don't forget to visit the host of 7QT! 

Update on prayer request

My father in law is not doing any better. He had extreme breathing difficulties through the night. Only in a public Irish hospital would there be no doctor on hand for an elderly patient in liver and heart failure. They literally had nurses watching him struggle to breathe...without any medicine or offer of treatment to him. They wouldn't even give him a nebulizer. Lord help me for the uncharitable thoughts I've had for this system that allows people to suffer in scary situations like this...and I will likely not have any hair left to rip out once we get through these difficulties!! Anyhow - I am tremendously appreciateive of your prayers. I have let my FIL know that people are praying for him from all over the world and he is so, so grateful. If you are offering prayers, I'd love to share the gesture with him. Please leave a message in the comments and I'll make sure the message gets to him. 

Many, many thanks, prayer warriors!

Seven Quick Takes (#6)

It has been *such* a busy week!! I hope you all are having a fruitful Lent so far. I know mine kicked off with quite the bang...and the rest (you know, all 72 hours of it...) has just been a matter of holding by the seat of my pants! Here goes:




Lent is upon us, truly. Right now I have an urgent prayer request of my readers: VERY URGENT need for prayers for my father-in-law. The next 48 hours are super important for him and we are praying for his liver and heart functioning to miraculously improve. Please, please pray with us.

FCP Training - an update on training and fundraising. So far, I have officially raised $145 towards the $5,000 needed for FCP training. I know that it's a lot to ask anyone for a donation, and I'm humbled to be in a position to *have to* here, but I wanted to offer a heartfelt thank you to all of those who have made a contribution. I'm moved by your kindness and generosity. Many of the donations have been very small...and it just about brings tears to my eyes when I see people helping us get over this hurdle $2 and $5 at a time with their hard-earned money. Please continue to keep our fundraising efforts in your prayers. If you would like us to pray for a special intention when you donate, just send us a message on the contact form...because we're praying for all our helpers! We're still waiting to hear back on the scholarship, so keep your fingers crossed we are approved for that! We definitely need that support to bridge the gap of our fundraising efforts here on the blog.





What Infertile Women Eat - For those on restricted diets (especially GF ones), Fat Tuesday goes a little differently. It's not the pancake-fest that it might be for the rest of the Catholic world on that day. So what's a gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free, nut-free, nightshade-free girl to do on a day that calls for splurging?! Well, I'll tell you it wasn't a sacrifice, first of all. It definitely felt like a party too. The day started out with crepes I made using this ingenious Paleo naan recipe. I made them thinner than she does and I added honey and cinnamon to mine. Once they were fully cooked, I stuffed them with coconut cream and no-sugar-added blackberry preserves and drizzled them with melted ghee. Like I said, totally not a compromise! Dinner was a rare treat. The local sushi bar had a cheap "all you can eat sushi" night on Fat Tuesday. I'm not kidding!! It wasn't a buffet either, they made your meal to order. This was round one of the embarrassing volume of sushi eaten. Top left is yellowtail with scallions, top right is salmon avocado roll, and bottom is GF-panko-tempura sweet potato roll.




Weight Loss - Recently I realized that I have been keeping a giant accomplishment to myself and that it might help others to read about a victory happening over here as a result of NaPro treatment. I began taking LDN in May 2014. Everything leading up to that was kind of hit-and-miss in my treatment, excepting my surgical endometriosis excision. Once I was on LDN though, weight started to rapidly fall off. Half a stone (7 lbs) that first week. And on and on it went. It eventually slowed, but the loss has not yet stopped. The graph to the left represents 69 lbs lost since I began LDN. It's a huge deal. And I didn't talk about it. How Irish of me.... :P





The Tiny Catholic Bubble - This week I was in a unique situation to help a friend in need. It involved some research into a subject that should have been easy to find information about...and yet for days, I found myself calling and emailing and trying to find people or resources that might help. And you know who ended up being the most helpful, despite all the people, places, organizations, and hotlines I contacted? My tiny little Catholic bubble. That is, it was my priest friends, my Catholic volunteer friends, my missionary friends, those with least access to information and computers who made time to help. I was reminded in a big way this week just how important our small networks are when it comes to our shared faith in times of need. It was a heartwarming experience to have an opportunity to see that more clearly this week. At the same time, I'm starting to understand more and more as each day passes  why St. Monica is on my side this year!!

Comedy of Ashes - Sharing two hilarious takes on Ash Wednesday here. I know, I know...no one thinks "comedy" when they think Ash Wednesday, but trust me - these will make you smile! The first is a funny commentary from Daniel Bearman about how it's not a holy day of obligation, yet constantly high on attendance. The second is from my friend Bill Donaghy, who captured the essence of what we all think about Ash Wednesday... and for the record, load toner was what I was given this year. Bwahaha. Unto dust I shall return...

Diocesan Love - One of the American diocese liked our Virtual Marriage Retreat so much that they republished our post on their diocesan blog Encourage and Teach! I can't hardly express how humbled and excited it made me that our little blog had something to offer their readers. It made my birthday really special to learn that news, as you can imagine, but it's even cooler seeing it posted now! Go take a look at their facebook post and the blog post. Hope you all will consider trying out the retreat.

This Ain't the Lyceum -  Don't forget to visit the host of 7QT!

All Souls Day Prayers

I will be praying with a relic of St. Therese tonight. If you would like me to pray for your intentions, please include them in the comments or send me a message on the contact tab.

4 Months in Life (and 7QT#2)

1. Blogiversary

Well, it's been four months since I decided to make writing a part of this journey. Looking back on my time here, I see a lot that is different and a lot that is the same. It's not as much a celebration as it is a marking of time. This is my 2nd attempt at 7 Quick Takes Friday,  so let's take a look at how things are panning out so far!

2. Stats

While they aren't the metric that motivates whether I write or not, blog stats are one of the only metrics of this writing adventure that I can look at to remind me that I have something to say that is worth reading, that I'm not alone, and that it is easier to trek this path with my readers than it was without them. I know I'm a tiny fish in a ginormous sea, but you all didn't make me feel that way this past four months. You really made me feel like my words and thoughts and feelings and experiences mattered. You helped form a community around me. And you encouraged me on the posts I was most hesitant in publishing. 50 posts and 200 comments later, here we are, interwebs.

3. Posts You Love

I recently added a "popular posts" widget to the top right of the blog. I've been surprised to see what is read the most, what is commented on the most, and how quickly things are shared through social media. You liked the only creative writing post I've ever made (and really, it's the only creative writing I've done in a long time, even if it wasn't terribly inventive).

You liked prayer requests and novena ideas. You love lists of things. And you like pretty pictures. Ok, ok, who doesn't?? :)

Strangely enough, I hear from people that you love my awful artwork. Those posts are barely viewed in comparison though, so I have no idea what to make of that. Just know that if you are seeing some illustrated cycle humor in the future, it was cathartic for me to draw it, and just humor me.

Pun intended. :)

4. Changes

I've been face-first in my IF journey like a kid eating a birthday cake. Aggressive. On top of it. And determined to make my way to the other side of it. That's going to change in the months ahead. Maybe this is what the death of "early IF" looks like for me. I told someone earlier that the past week feels like I'm moving from early IF to middle IF. Yes, I imagined hobbits and a pretty shire when I said it. A crackling fire in a tiny little hobbit house....I digress. I suppose if I have to go through this at all, I should be happy to make my way out of the gut wrenching beginning stage of it. And I am.

I do feel like I can breathe a bit more. I don't feel like it's consuming my every moment. Middle IF (yes, I'm saying it out loud as "middelif", like a lazy version of middle Earth) feels more like peace interrupted by sneak attacks of anguish so far. And why would that possibly be a good thing? Because it's not constant, gut wrenching anguish. That's a good thing. I'm grateful for it.

Four months ago, I couldn't imagine anything but sticking to drugs and charting and reading and researching everything under the sun to try and further us in our TTC efforts. Yet today, I sit here with thoughts of stopping meds and giving up on that kind of effort. What we're doing isn't working. It's not getting us a baby. It's not making me healthier. It's not making me happier. And it's not nurturing my marriage. It's just constant, exhausting, useless, hormonal anguish. And I need a break. It doesn't mean I want a baby any less. I still want that intensely. But if it's going to ever happen in any way, I need a break now.

During that break, I'm going to be focusing on other things. Focusing on things outward more than inward. Or at least I'm going to try! No amount of constant super duper hyper focus on yourself is going to allow your soul to serve God. At least, I haven't found a way to do it yet on this IF journey, despite months and months and months of awesome practice. :P

5. Cycles, Charts, and Hormones

Have you ever heard of the song that doesn't end? (Don't answer that!) Ugh. I'm still in the cycle I began in August. My body is basically giving me the Jersey State Bird over here, telling me how much it hates the clomid I took almost 60 days ago. I don't know what else it could be at this point. I have no idea what is going on. I'm still charting over here, even though that seems like a joke to do it.

6. A Surprise

I'm working on a fun surprise and hope to be able to unveil it soon. It's going to take a good bit of time to manage and coordinate this one, but when (and if!!) I'm able to, I think my readers are going to love this. Keep tuned in and I promise I'll share as soon as I can. I'll give you a hint: it involves a duck.

If I'm able to make it happen, there's going to be an entire blog series on this. So please keep this in your prayers as a special intention.

I'll be calling this "Duck Watch" in future posts, when I refer to it. If it's something I'm able to breathe life into from this dream it currently is... there will even be a Duck Countdown!!

This is something I've been noodling on for a couple of weeks, in an attempt to keep myself focused on a fun, positive, meaningful project. It's grown from a daydream to a real possibility just this past week, so I need prayers for things to keep going well.

7. Thanks y'all.

Finding Meaning in Suffering

This weekend has been difficult to say the least. I find myself a mix of numb and wanting to find meaning in all of this. It can't all just be endless, dark suffering. I already know what letting yourself go down that path does and I worked hard to get back from it the last time we had a miscarriage. I can't bring myself to accept this feeling for months on end right now. So I did what I always do and I try to search for meaning in suffering. I used to just go straight to the Book of Job. It's an easy read when you are pondering a pestilence in your life. Or rather, it's an easy target in the Bible. 

Lately, I haven't been going there though. I've been looking to the feast of the days that I suffer. Finding meaning in our faith has been more enriching than reading about the torture Job endured (again). And I'm learning more about myself and my relationship to the Holy Family in doing so, for what it's worth. It certainly isn't an easy effort. But I have found more meaning in it than just meditating on the rosary or praying a novena or reading a specific Scripture. Or maybe it's just that it feels like less of a selfish endeavor? I don't know.

That's actually one of the beautiful things about our faith - the diversity of the teachings. We have so many places to go to find God, don't we? Even in a moment like this, I find myself drawn to Him and wanting to understand where I fit in His plan. And no amount of 'fitting' means anything without understanding the origin of Christ's passion.

So a-feasting I went.You might want to go grab a cup of tea. This ain't gonna be a short read. Nor is it gonna to be fun. I guess a small part of whatever is left of me right now hopes you might also find some meaning in suffering and that the effort I put into trying to understand this will help you too. I had to at least try. So without further ado... here's what I came up with:

Feast of the Holy Cross

September 14th was the Feast of the Holy Cross. As Christians, we celebrate an instrument of death. We set aside a whole day just to celebrate the implement used to torture the Son of God. Maybe that seems strange, but given what I was doing yesterday…suffering my own body and the death of possibility…it makes perfect sense to me.

There is mystery in both infertility and the cross. Christ made His cross a source of life for the world though, and that is why we make time to celebrate it. There is nothing but the pain of death for us without the cross. We are the grain of the wood in the cross and it is very much a part of us in all that we do. So as much as I want to say that there is no meaning to be found in the void that infertility leaves in my life (and the pain that it so constantly brings), I know that all things are redeemed already. If we are all a part of the cross, that means God didn’t forget this pain. Not even this pain.
 
I am the cross and the cross is mine. When I was born, I became His through baptism. But even in that moment of cleansing, I was marked with the cross on my forehead. A symbol of death painted across the fresh, chrism-scented skin on a newborn baby…

And it doesn’t end there. I was taught how to greet the Lord every Sunday as a young child. You dip your fingers into the font outside the sanctuary and you cross yourself in the name of the Truine God. You literally reclaim your baptism with a symbol of the instrument of death by anointing yourself before you prepare to worship. And you repeat this as a preparation for every prayer you pray. Everywhere we go in our daily lives through the years of Christian Catholic life, we are putting on Christ through the cross in this motion. Do we always stop to think of why we do it though? Do we realize we are welcoming suffering with this act?

I can certainly say that I am not conscious of it 100% of the time. But I was conscious of it 100% of yesterday. I was helpless from the profound pain and truth that the cross represents. And as I sat there, feeling like all hope had been ripped from me and that all the power and strength and resolve in my weary soul had been crushed, I somehow became aware that the cross is not supposed to be a source of death to me. How can hope be dead, when Christ conquered the cross? How can there be no redemption from infertility when Christ rose from the dead so that I might live? How can I be dead inside when I’ve been redeemed by God?

In every way, it began to make me feel like the cross was my only protection from this sorrow that I felt. Do you remember the antiphon we sing at the moment of baptism? “You have put on Christ, in Him we have been baptized. Alleluia, Alleluia!”. I started to think of the cross as shining armor in that moment when for some reason this antiphon popped into my head – Christ’s redemption is literally something I could wear. Why hadn’t I thought of that before? (said the girl who has plenty of Catholic jewelry – not the least of which are crosses, medals, prayer beads…). I’m brilliant, y’all. You know, like a 5 year old who thinks they just invented something because it just occurred to them for the first time in earnest. Annnnyyyway.... Just like the priest so broadly signed a cross onto my forehead as a newborn, I started to understand the meaning in my own pathetic suffering. With that realization, I quickly make the sign of the cross and wept until I had no tears. And that took hours.

Speaking of gut wrenching sorrow…

Our Lady of Sorrows

How apropos is it that today is the Feast of Our Lady of Sorrows?? Great, now I have to figure out how to connect (once again) to a mother figure and understand her pain at losing her child… while I mourn a child that I don’t have. JUST WHAT I WANTED TO DO TODAY after I’m left with the soreness in my abs (from weeping) of someone who did 1000 crunches yesterday.

Don’t get me wrong, I get that the Blessed Mother suffered intensely and grieved the brutal torture and death of her Son. And maybe it’s a good thing that I find myself basically incapable of connecting to anything but her suffering right now. Mary and I have a weird relationship. Suffering is the only thing that really helps me connect to her. It’s not for lack of praying, but it’s also a reason to keep praying. That’s where Mary and I are anyway.

So Our Lady of Sorrows. What are we celebrating? Yesterday was a celebration of an instrument of death – so I suppose today is a celebration of gut-wrenching agony. Times seven. Because that’s how the Bible rolls…

The Bible provides seven sorrows, to be specific. These are:

The dark prophecy of Simeon

The flight of the Holy Family into Egypt

The loss and discovery Jesus in the Temple

Mary meeting Jesus on His way to Calvary with the cross

Mary at the foot of Jesus on the cross during crucifixion

Mary holding Jesus after He was pierced by the lance and taken down from the cross

The burial of Jesus

It’s not just suffering Jesus’ death that this feast is celebrating. It’s so much more. It’s a veritable pain buffet that spans Jesus’ entire life. We’re reminded that motherhood *is* suffering in this feast day. And there are real examples that modern day mothers can certainly relate to in these seven examples (ask any parent who has lost a child in a store in the blink of an eye…).

But it has to be more than that. I have to believe that this is a day that highlights the essence of female suffering and that it is not about physical motherhood as much as it is about the nature of being a woman. Are we not meant to suffer? As I look up images of Our Lady of Sorrows, I notice that Mary’s heart is often depicted with swords piercing her heart. I can relate to that feeling right now. And yet I have no child in my arms. How can I relate to anything Mary suffered?

I’m also finding that in previous years, this feast was known as Our Lady of Compassion. And I think most of us know the Latin derivation for the word compassion is ‘cum’ and ‘patior’ (literally: to suffer with). So maybe I find not a mother to look at in Mary so much as I find someone to suffer with me. I don’t know. We’re not there yet. She’s the master of willing it to be done unto her according to God’s will – and I am most certainly not. I wish I could say I was, but who among us has reached that in their infertility journey – especially a couple years into it?

The one thing I do understand about Mary though…is that she joined in with the suffering. She knew it had to happen. She knew Christ would be taken from her beyond her own power, just as He was given to her. And she joined herself to that reality and suffered it with Jesus.

The only thing I can understand in this moment is that joining my suffering (the suffering that I feel in the utter emptiness and hopelessness of my own barren womb) to the suffering of Mary may be the only way that I can understand today’s feast. I'm mourning a lack of being able to suffer as a mother. And it kind of messes with my head to think of it that way right now.

I think it’s a more powerful statement to admit *I'm not there yet* on this topic as a Catholic than to pretend I have some bigger understanding of this than I do. Someone needs to hear that today and I don’t know who it is. All I know for certain is that Mary saw redemption win with her own eyes. She saw her own flesh and blood defeat death. And that inspires a kind of hope that is much, much bigger than the pains of my infertility. At least - it should.

Speaking of seeing redemption win…
 

Let Me See Redemption Win

Truth be told, when I returned from Switzerland and France in the beginning of September, already a week into the dreaded 2WW, I was overjoyed to learn that I had been crowned to be this month's Adopt-a-Blogger. We felt like it was a life preserver sent from above to help us when we needed it most. After all, it had taken all of our strength to find the courage to TTC this past cycle. Prayer and grace were what we needed to sustain us through the waiting.

I was starting to see and feel some very reliable pregnancy symptoms. I found myself thinking and hoping and praying that this was the month that IF died and I was prayed into pregnancy. And all of you, my generous friends and readers, joined me in prayer to that effect. The timing just seemed perfect. Everything seemed perfect. I was amazed that we had found the courage to TTC again after so many losses, so it was amazing to be feeling like such a huge and long-prayed-for-miracle might be coming to life all at once. DH was convinced this was it. And the symptoms kept coming. It all seemed too good to be true. 

And it was.

I'm drowning. And it's happening painfully and slowly and I can't even help myself out of it. It doesn't seem to matter how often I converse with God, or how often I meditate on the mysteries of the rosary, or how many novenas I pray, or how often I just sit in silence with Him...there are no answers being given. No directions being given on how to take a left turn away from this pain and emptiness. No encouragement on how to soldier through it. There's just this giant echoing silence. I'm worn. Even before the day begins.

Christ, I long to understand Your plan for my life. I want to understand the purpose of this suffering. And I find myself praying this week more that You would rob me of the deep longing to be a mother than anything else. If Your plan is to leave my arms empty and to never know the joy of children, then I wish you would just make that clear and take this from me. If you have already redeemed this intense suffering that I'm lost in, let me know the struggle ends. 

I know You can give me rest.

I know You can mend a heart that's frail and torn.

I know that all that's dead inside me can be reborn.

I'm just too weak and life won't let up.

I'm crying out with all I have left. My prayers are wearing thin.

I've lost my will to fight.

I'm worn.

Every single lyric in this song could have been sung by my own heart.