Seven Quick Takes (#11) - Blogiversary Edition

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1. So it's officially been a year since I sat down at the keys and figured out how to make a blog! And then, miracle-of-miracles, I kept up with it. So, umm, that's never happened before... And while it feels like an accomplishment unto itself, this blogiversary is also a stark realization that I am not yet a mother to a living child. It doesn't weigh on me as heavily every day as it did a year ago, and that's a good thing. There is no less desire in my heart for a child... but I focus on the likelihood of it happening a lot less now than I did when I first sat down and put my fingers on the keys. I've been conceiving hope in other ways, trying to make the best of this infertile prison... while I watch everyone else leave the island. It's a surreal feeling. I write this not so much as a depressing update, but as a reminder to all that the pains of infertility don't always end in having living children. So many of the people I have met online since this journey began (read: most) have moved on to family life raising children. That's just not our story. And I actually think it gives a little hope to others in the same situation to remind them that they aren't alone. Our dreams haven't come true either. We're praying with you.

2. I never set out to write a blog that got a lot of clicks. And it's a good thing I didn't measure any success on that. But while the traffic here stays low, the private interaction with my audience stays high. You all are searching for the same answers I'm searching for... and when I get up the courage to write a prayer, offer friendly advice, or seek to pray with you, it seems to matter to you. So thank you, dear readers. I hope you will continue on this journey with me as I try to make sense of the God's Plan. I'm slowly getting out of my blindered IF haze and starting to learn how to live life again. Gracious thanks for your encouragement! And thank you to everyone who prayed along with me on the Twin Novena that I finished today!

3. Y'all apparently love a good series, advice, prayers, recipes, and a little controversy! The most shared, read, pinned, and tweeted posts seem to be the ones that are really written with a raw heart here. One of the things I set out to do at the beginning of this was to write the posts I was looking for and couldn't find. I wanted to be able to have concrete words to give people to say this is what infertility really is and this is why IVF is wrong and any number of posts I haven't even been able to write and publish yet. My hope is that the traffic on these posts means you were looking for the same. Any time you comment, I feel encouraged... so keep it up if you find this content helpful! :)

4. There has been some change going on in my life recently (hence being at the keys a little less). I can't really talk about any of it publicly yet, even with this being an anonymous blog. Some of the change is for good, some of it isn't. We'll have to see how it all pans out. In the meantime, I'm trying to distract myself with my studies and to be the best at FCP-ing as I can be. So far, I'm about 1/4 the way through the program to certification. It's not much yet, but I'm doing really well with what I have already accomplished and hoping that streak continues. I'll reach the 1/2 way point in September 2015.... so keep me in your prayers for that? Thanks!

5. After many months (read: years!) of craziness in my luteal phase, I've reached a good and stable post peak phase of 15 days. PMS is gone for the most part, thanks to my post peak supplementation and the LDN. Now it's just a matter of trying to figure out the ovulation defect and how to improve that. A doctor recently mentioned that micro-hCG injections pre-peak could be the way to stimulate better ovulation for people like me. I'm interested in learning more and will let you know what I find in my research. But seriously... back to the absence of PMS... there needs to be a parade!!!

6. It's been a while since I gave an update on Duck Watch here on the blog. It's an idea I came up with last October that involves a mighty adventure. The adventure has not yet unfolded, nor have the ducky details. Right now, all you know is that it involves a duck. Potentially some water. Potentially a traveling adventure. And it will likely happen in 2015. Ravenous for a clue? Care to venture a guess? Here you go: It's American, French, and English at the same time...and manages to be very gassy while still being terribly classy, if you can imagine that.








7. Remember to give the 7QT host some love! It's been a while since I linked up, but I hope you enjoyed this little edition! :)

4 Months in Life (and 7QT#2)

1. Blogiversary

Well, it's been four months since I decided to make writing a part of this journey. Looking back on my time here, I see a lot that is different and a lot that is the same. It's not as much a celebration as it is a marking of time. This is my 2nd attempt at 7 Quick Takes Friday,  so let's take a look at how things are panning out so far!

2. Stats

While they aren't the metric that motivates whether I write or not, blog stats are one of the only metrics of this writing adventure that I can look at to remind me that I have something to say that is worth reading, that I'm not alone, and that it is easier to trek this path with my readers than it was without them. I know I'm a tiny fish in a ginormous sea, but you all didn't make me feel that way this past four months. You really made me feel like my words and thoughts and feelings and experiences mattered. You helped form a community around me. And you encouraged me on the posts I was most hesitant in publishing. 50 posts and 200 comments later, here we are, interwebs.

3. Posts You Love

I recently added a "popular posts" widget to the top right of the blog. I've been surprised to see what is read the most, what is commented on the most, and how quickly things are shared through social media. You liked the only creative writing post I've ever made (and really, it's the only creative writing I've done in a long time, even if it wasn't terribly inventive).

You liked prayer requests and novena ideas. You love lists of things. And you like pretty pictures. Ok, ok, who doesn't?? :)

Strangely enough, I hear from people that you love my awful artwork. Those posts are barely viewed in comparison though, so I have no idea what to make of that. Just know that if you are seeing some illustrated cycle humor in the future, it was cathartic for me to draw it, and just humor me.

Pun intended. :)

4. Changes

I've been face-first in my IF journey like a kid eating a birthday cake. Aggressive. On top of it. And determined to make my way to the other side of it. That's going to change in the months ahead. Maybe this is what the death of "early IF" looks like for me. I told someone earlier that the past week feels like I'm moving from early IF to middle IF. Yes, I imagined hobbits and a pretty shire when I said it. A crackling fire in a tiny little hobbit house....I digress. I suppose if I have to go through this at all, I should be happy to make my way out of the gut wrenching beginning stage of it. And I am.

I do feel like I can breathe a bit more. I don't feel like it's consuming my every moment. Middle IF (yes, I'm saying it out loud as "middelif", like a lazy version of middle Earth) feels more like peace interrupted by sneak attacks of anguish so far. And why would that possibly be a good thing? Because it's not constant, gut wrenching anguish. That's a good thing. I'm grateful for it.

Four months ago, I couldn't imagine anything but sticking to drugs and charting and reading and researching everything under the sun to try and further us in our TTC efforts. Yet today, I sit here with thoughts of stopping meds and giving up on that kind of effort. What we're doing isn't working. It's not getting us a baby. It's not making me healthier. It's not making me happier. And it's not nurturing my marriage. It's just constant, exhausting, useless, hormonal anguish. And I need a break. It doesn't mean I want a baby any less. I still want that intensely. But if it's going to ever happen in any way, I need a break now.

During that break, I'm going to be focusing on other things. Focusing on things outward more than inward. Or at least I'm going to try! No amount of constant super duper hyper focus on yourself is going to allow your soul to serve God. At least, I haven't found a way to do it yet on this IF journey, despite months and months and months of awesome practice. :P

5. Cycles, Charts, and Hormones

Have you ever heard of the song that doesn't end? (Don't answer that!) Ugh. I'm still in the cycle I began in August. My body is basically giving me the Jersey State Bird over here, telling me how much it hates the clomid I took almost 60 days ago. I don't know what else it could be at this point. I have no idea what is going on. I'm still charting over here, even though that seems like a joke to do it.

6. A Surprise

I'm working on a fun surprise and hope to be able to unveil it soon. It's going to take a good bit of time to manage and coordinate this one, but when (and if!!) I'm able to, I think my readers are going to love this. Keep tuned in and I promise I'll share as soon as I can. I'll give you a hint: it involves a duck.

If I'm able to make it happen, there's going to be an entire blog series on this. So please keep this in your prayers as a special intention.

I'll be calling this "Duck Watch" in future posts, when I refer to it. If it's something I'm able to breathe life into from this dream it currently is... there will even be a Duck Countdown!!

This is something I've been noodling on for a couple of weeks, in an attempt to keep myself focused on a fun, positive, meaningful project. It's grown from a daydream to a real possibility just this past week, so I need prayers for things to keep going well.

7. Thanks y'all.