Infertility Awareness: A Catholic Perspective

One in six couples will experience infertility at some point in their marriage. Infertility is medically defined as the inability to conceive after 12 cycles of “unprotected” intercourse or 6 cycles using “fertility-focused” intercourse. A couple who has never conceived has “primary infertility” and a couple who has conceived in the past (regardless of the outcome) but is unable to again has “secondary infertility”. Many couples who experience infertility have also experienced miscarriage or pregnancy loss.

This week, April 19 – 25, 2015 is National Infertility Awareness Week.

We, a group of Catholic women who have experienced infertility, would like to take a moment to share with you what the experience of infertility is like, share ways that you can be of support to a family member or friend, and share resources that are helpful.

If you are experiencing infertility, please know you are not alone. You are loved and prayed for and there are resources to help you with the spiritual, emotional, and medical aspects of this journey.

In the beginning of trying to conceive a child, there is much hope and anticipation; for some, even a small fear of “what if we get pregnant right away?” There is planning of how to tell your husband and when you’d announce to the rest of the family. It is a joyful time that for most couples results in a positive pregnancy test within the first few months. However, for one in six couples, the months go by without a positive test and the fears and doubts begin to creep in. At the 6th month of trying using fertility-focused intercourse (using Natural Family Planning), the couple knows something is wrong and is considered “infertile” by doctors who understand the charting of a woman’s pattern of fertility. At the 9th month of trying, the month that, had they conceived that first month, a baby would have been arriving, is often the most painful of the early milestones. At the 12th month mark the couple “earns” the label from the mainstream medical community as “infertile”.

As the months go by, the hopes and dreams are replaced with fears, doubts, and the most invasive doctors’ appointments possible. As a Catholic couple faithful to the teachings of the Church, we are presented by secular doctors with options that are not options for us and are told things like “you’ll never have children” and “you have unexplained infertility”; by our Catholic doctors we are told to keep praying and to have hope as they roll up their sleeves and work hard to figure out the cause of our infertility, with each visit asking, “How are you and your husband doing with all of this?”

We find it hard to fit in. We have faith and values that are different than our secular culture, but our small families, whether childless (primary infertility) or with fewer children than we hoped for (secondary infertility), make us blend in with the norm. We have faith and values that are in line with the teachings of our Church, but our daily life looks so much different than the others who share those values and that makes us stand out in a way that we would rather not. We are Catholic husbands and wives living out our vocation fully. Our openness to life does not come in the form of children; it takes on the form of a quiet “no” or “not yet” or “maybe never” from God each month as we slowly trod along. Our openness to and respect for life courageously resists the temptations presented to us by the secular artificial reproductive technology industry.

Often times our friends and family do not know what to say to us, and so they choose to not say anything. Our infertility stands like a great big elephant in the room that separates us from others. Most of the time, we don’t want to talk about it, especially not in public or in group settings because it is painful and we will often shed tears. We realize it is difficult and ask that you realize this difficulty as well. We will do our best to be patient and to explain our situation to those who genuinely would like to know, but please respect our privacy and the boundaries we establish, as not only is infertility painful, it is also very personal.

One of the hardest experiences of infertility is that it is cyclical. Each month we get our hopes up as we try; we know what our due date would be as soon as we ovulate; we know how we would share the news with our husband and when and how we would tell our parents. We spend two weeks walking a fine line between hope and realism, between dreaming and despairing. When our next cycle begins – with cramps and bleeding and tears – we often only have a day or two before we must begin taking the medications that are meant to help us conceive. There is little to no time to mourn the dream that is once again not achievable; no time to truly allow ourselves to heal from one disappointment before we must begin hoping and trying again. We do not get to pick what days our hormones will plummet or how the medications we are often taking will affect us. We do not get to pick the day that would be “best” for us for our next cycle to start. We are at the mercy of hope, and while that hope keeps us going it is also what leaves us in tears when it is not realized.

Some will experience infertility with a complete lack of cycles. Some couples won't even get to experience the benefit of being able to really try to conceive because of this harsh reality, which is a constant reminder of brokenness for those experiencing it. The pain and anxiety that comes from a lack of reproductive health can be crippling.

And yet others, despite hormonal dysfunction and health issues, will experience the cyclical nature of infertility through conception itself (or recurring conception). These couples go on to lose their children (early, full term, or shortly after birth, and anywhere in between) either once or many times. If you know that we've experienced a loss (something we may or may not have the courage to share), know that we are grieving. It wasn't "just" a pregnancy or "just another" pregnancy that was lost; it was our living baby that died. And we are more likely to be traumatized by the cyclical nature of our infertility because of our losses. We do not get to choose that our cycles will mimic our losses. We are at the mercy of hope.

Our faith is tested. We ask God “why?”, we yell at Him; we draw closer to God and we push Him away. Mass brings us to tears more often than not and the season of Advent brings us to our knees. The chorus of “Happy Mother’s Day” that surrounds us at Mass every year will be almost more devastating than the blessing of mothers itself. We know that the Lord is trustworthy and that we can trust in Him; sometimes it is just a bigger task than we can achieve on our own.

* Pray for us. Truly, it is the best thing that anyone can do.

* Do not make assumptions about anything - not the size of a family or whether or not a couple knows what is morally acceptable to the Church. Most couples who experience infertility do so in silence and these assumptions only add to the pain. If you are genuinely interested, and not merely curious, begin a genuine friendship and discover the truth over time.

* Do not offer advice such as “just relax," “you should adopt," “try this medical option or that medical option” – or really give any advice. Infertility is a symptom of an underlying medical problem; a medical problem that often involves complicated and invasive treatment to cure.

* Do not assume that we will adopt. Adoption is a separate calling and should be discerned by every married couple irrespective of their ability to conceive biological children. Infertility does not automatically mean that a couple is meant to adopt.

* Do not assume that if we try to adopt that the process will be successful. Many adoption attempts fail and don't result in a couple receiving a child placement (temporarily or permanently). Some couples are flat out rejected from attempting to adopt by different agencies and governments. Just like adoption is an incredibly intrusive and emotionally charged issue that is part of a separate calling in the journey to "parenthood", it isn't always a possibility for infertile parents. Do not assume we can. And be gentle if we are trying. It's extra painful to be infertile and not be able to adopt. And we are likely so hurt that we can't bear to share the details with everyone.

* Ask how we are doing and be willing to hear and be present for the “real” answer. Often times we answer, “OK” because that’s the easy, “safe” answer. Let us know that you are willing to walk through this tough time with us. Frequently we just need someone who is willing to listen and give us a hug and let us know we are loved.

* Offer a Mass for us or give us a prayer card or medal to let us know you are praying for us. Just please refrain from telling us how we must pray this novena or ask for that saint’s intercession. Most likely we’ve prayed it and ask for the intercession daily. Please feel free to pray novenas and ask for intercession on our behalf.

* Be tolerant and patient. The medications we take can leave us at less than our best; we may not have the energy or ability to do much. Please also respect us when we say "no, thank you" to food or drinks. We may have restricted diets due to our medical conditions and/or medications.

* Share the good news of your pregnancy privately (preferably in an email or card or letter and not via text, IM chat, phone call or in person) and as soon as possible. Please understand that we are truly filled with joy for you; any sadness we feel is because we have been reminded of our own pain and we often feel horrible guilt over it as well. Please be patient and kind if we don’t respond immediately, attend your baby shower or don’t “Like” all of your Facebook updates about your children. Again, it is really about us, not you.

* Help steer group conversations away from pregnancy and parenting topics when we are around. We like to be able to interact in a conversation to which we can contribute meaningfully.

*Do not exclude us from your life because you think we may be uncomfortable. It is actually more painful to be left out because of the cross we're carrying, and we know that doesn't make a lot of sense to our families and friends. We will excuse ourselves from events or situations if we must, and please let us do so gracefully if the circumstance arises.

* Do not ask when we are going to “start a family” (we started one the day we got married).

* Do not ask which one of us is the “problem” – we are either fertile or infertile as a couple.

* Do grieve with us if you know that we've experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death (or many). You may not know what to say to comfort us, and that's ok. Let us grieve at our own pace and on our own schedule without guilt or explanations, even if we have living children. Do not offer platitudes for why you think it happened, how you think it's part of God's plan for us to suffer, or any number of things you think might have been wrong with the child. It was our living baby that died. Let us grieve, pray for us, and if you can, let us know you care by being there for us in our grief. Let us know that you remember that our baby lived, no matter how short of a life. 

* Do not say things like "I know you'll be parents some day," or "It will happen, I know it will!" Along the same lines, please do not tell us stories of a couple you know who struggled for years and went on to conceive or to "just adopt and then you'll get pregnant" (this one actually only happens a small percentage of the time). Only God knows what our future holds, please pray with us that we are able to graciously accept His will for our lives.

* Do not pity us. Yes, we have much sorrow. Yes, we struggle. But, we place our faith in God, lean on the grace of our marriage, and trust that someday, whether here on earth or in heaven, we will see and understand God’s plan.

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Because this topic is so difficult for so many women and men, the best thing our friends and family can do (and indeed strangers we encounter who may be aware of our struggles) is pray for us. We are grateful for those who offer their prayers and support in a gentle way. Your support is invaluable to us.

Lastly, remember that compassion means "to suffer with". We didn't sign up for this to happen. We can't control whether we overcome this. And we're doing our best to navigate the murky waters and maintain our sanity and our faith and our relationships with our family and friends through it all. We truly need your support and love to accomplish that. Please, please suffer with us and be Christ to us. No other understanding of our cross will be more merciful or more loving than if you put yourself in a situation to sympathize or empathize with us. The pain of infertility is exacerbated by the fact that it draws us into ourselves. We need your help to remind us in the most difficult moments that we aren't alone, God didn't forget us, and that we have something precious to offer through the fruitfulness of our marriage even when it isn't manifesting in the children we so desperately want to hold. Together, we can offer up our shared suffering for Christ. It's a powerful witness to both of our faiths to travel this road together and we'll manage it better with your help than if we have to travel it all alone. 

This post was made possible through the collaboration of 430 members of a "secret" facebook group of Catholic women and men struggling with the pains of infertility in all of its forms. Together we are stronger. And in having the conversation, we are breaking the silence. If you are Catholic and experiencing the pains of infertility and would like to join a "secret" facebook support group, please send me a message on my contact form and provide me with your email address and we will happily add you to our discussion. 




This post is the fourth in a series on infertility. If you'd like to read from the beginning, click on the picture below to read the original post in the series where all of the posts will be linked.

Good Catholic Families

Ask a Catholic when life begins and they will invariably tell you conception. They will detail the fertilization process that occurs between the male and female gamete, resulting in a distinctly and genetically unique human being that is both related to its mother and its father. They will tell you that everything after that moment can only be categorized as growth. But life begins at conception. Catholics agree on that.

Ask an infertile Catholic couple when a family begins and they will tell you the date on which they were married. Everything after that can only be categorized as growth.

But not all Catholics seem to champion this concept as much. Why is that? What is it about having children that makes a family more real or more Catholic? I'm beginning to believe that the decline of the family is, in part, due to this pervasive disbelief of when a family is "born". It's disordered to proclaim that a family begins at any time other than at the moment of marriage. What God has joined...

Are we really protecting Catholic families when we define them by the number of children they have produced? I can see where it could easily be a source of joyful pride to count the blessings of many children in a marriage. It's a dream I've had for my own life and my own marriage for many years - in fact, a dream I had long before I even married. But it seems like a way to disenfranchise and distance yourself from the true definition of marriage and from all who don't or can't enjoy the reality of many living children in their own family. Tell me - how many times have you heard a "good Catholic family" defined as one who occupies an entire pew length to themselves? I can't even keep count anymore. I'd actually offer that being a "good Catholic family" is now a euphemism for being a large family, with many children to its ranks. It seems to me that the essence of family is lost when its very definition is perverted to only mean or embody the extreme far end of the spectrum of fruitfulness that a marriage can enjoy. And while children are indeed a great blessing (ask any Catholic married couple, and I assume they would agree - since their very vows include welcoming children joyfully from God)....children aren't the only fruit of marriage. Good Catholic families sometimes have no children. And those families are remarkably fruitful. And they serve God in their openness to life in all kinds of ways. And I imagine my Heavenly Father being quite pleased with the entire lot of families that lack children in the same way as He is pleased by the lot of families that have any number of children.

I don't think anyone can protect or build up the concept of family (Catholic or not) by using examples of number to describe or explain goodness. It's actually a rather reductionist way of looking at family, if you ask me. It's like saying that there is room for every flower in God's kingdom except the infertile one.

The base unit of *any* family is always a married couple. If life begins at conception, then a family begins at sacramental marriage. It is a complete gift, right from the moment of its creation.

Many might ask: how exactly would you be able to visually pick out a couple at church who have lost 6 children and distinguish them from the couple occupying the entire pew in front of them with their 6 children? One couple are parents many times over...and so is the other. If we believe that life begins at conception, these families must be equal in gifts.

There is no "but" or "still" in this explanation. Both couples represent Catholic families.

And yet if infertility is something that sacramentally married Catholic couples encounter with each other, then that must mean that God's intentions for a fruitful marriage *also* include those who are infertile. In fact, there is no difference between the couple occupying their entire pew and a newlywed couple sitting in front of them, or the family of two that lost 6 souls sitting behind them, or the family on the other side of the sanctuary that was built through the unique gift of adoption, for that matter. They all represent Catholic family life. There is nothing diminished or multiplied by any of them.

Yes, children are a blessing. And if you ask any Catholic couple, they are a blessing worthy of great sacrifice. But they do not define or create a good Catholic family. We need to remember - out loud - to each other - and shared amongst our own families and friends - that God's Greatness and Glory lives in the sacrament of making a family on the day that a Catholic couple are joined together in marriage.

Everything after that is growth.

Her first, Lord

Philippians 2:1-4 "So if in Christ there is anything that will move you, any incentive in love, any fellowship in the Spirit, any warmth or sympathy -- I appeal to you, make my joy complete by being of a single mind, one in love, one in heart and one in mind. Nothing is to be done out of jealousy or vanity; instead, out of humility of mind everyone should give preference to others, everyone pursuing not selfish interests but those of others."

One of the most powerful prayers I ever prayed ended in 'Her first, Lord'. Since I prayed that prayer, I have found myself reflecting on whether this sentiment ought to make a regular appearance in the intentions I pray for, especially the ones I feel most passionate or broken about.

About 5 years ago, a friend of mine asked me to make their wedding cake. I was overjoyed. I love making wedding cakes. And this wasn't going to just be annnnyyyy wedding cake - they wanted a sand castle!! I had never made a sand castle before, but OH did I have ideas. This thing was going to be a masterpiece. In order to make sure that the cake was delivered safely, the joyful couple arranged for me to stay at the groom's brother's house. I had known this couple through the grapevine, but didn't know much about them. I did know that they were hopeful to adopt soon. That weekend was fantastic. The cake turned out to be a huge hit and I got to know the couple I stayed with better. They lived their Catholic faith and I was happy to have met them and been able to spend some time with them. And if you're reading - thank you again for letting me destroy your kitchen that weekend! ;)

Fast forward to that adoption of theirs - it was a joyful time in their life. I heard about how they fell in love instantly. And though it's not what anyone would have wanted - soon after news of that joy came, so came the news that the adoption fell through before it was finalized. I read their blog and followed along with how their pain influenced their faith and vice versa. It was a difficult journey to read about - and I'm positive it was brutal to live as they gave back that baby. I prayed for them often.

I continued to watch as all of our mutual friends married and instantly had children. And then those couples went on to easily have 2nd and 3rd children. I knew their life was surrounded with babies because mine was. And facebook - forget about it. It must have felt like a battlefield. Despite what I imagined must have been an impossible amount of hurt, they discerned another adoption. I watched in awe as this couple (who I am not very close with either!) publicly asked for help with funding the adoption. I watched with admiration as God provided almost $30,000 through the generosity of others in donations, yard sale proceeds, benefit concerts, and anything else you can imagine. It was such a moving journey to watch happening, even if from a distance.

Simultaneously, my fiance and I were going through the Engaged Encounter. We were sitting in on an intense round of marriage preparatory sessions where we were being asked difficult questions like 'How would you deal with multiple miscarriages as a couple?' (Yes, that question haunted me then and it haunts me even more now that we've lived it. More on that in another post.) There were plenty of questions about children, but only one on adoption: 'Have you discussed where you both stand on adoption?'

I talked to my soon-to-be-husband about how two couples I knew had adoptions fail after they had custody of the babies. We both sat in horrified silence, not only at how difficult that must be, but also at the first question of how to deal with miscarriage. We were caught completely flat-footed by all of it and it consumed the rest of our weekend retreat, because we honestly couldn't even come up with an idea on how to cope with either scenario once, let alone multiple times. It wasn't that we'd never talked about the topics. It was that we didn't know the answers. And even in scraping for them - we found no peace over the topic. In fact, that topic became the heartburn in our relationship.....

So where does 'Her first, Lord' even come in to this? It's actually the story of my wedding.

As we were finishing the preparations to our wedding during the week before our Nuptial Mass, our priest asked us to think about the intercessions we'd like to include as our friends and family prayed for God to graciously hear us. We were married in a public shrine to St. Therese that also contained the remains of St Valentine, so we knew there was a possibility that hundreds of people we'd never met might be in attendance...because a shrine is never closed to the public. Our list of things that we wanted to pray for was HUGE, but as you can imagine - the priest led us to prune the list to something more manageable so that our Mass wasn't an extra hour. ;)

Some of those 'pruned intercessions' became what I like to call the 'lost prayers'. I decided to pray them on my own that day. And the most important one was pinned on the inside of my dress with a ribbon, resting against my heart. It was my something blue. Seeing as we were getting married on the feast of St. Thomas More - the patron saint of adoption - I figured that the most important prayer that should be closest to my own heart should involve adoption. I instantly thought of the couple who let me make that wedding cake in their house so many years ago.

So here is what I prayed:

St. Thomas More, patron saint of adoption, please intercede on [their behalf] with the Blessed Mother and the Son of Our Lord as I undertake this sacrament. Please hear [their] most fervent prayers about adoption. Please breathe life into their hopes and fill their arms with a child that they get to keep forever. Please also let my husband and I welcome new life into Your kingdom through our marriage, whether it be by birth or adoption. But her first, Lord. Amen.

By the end of our honeymoon, that couple had gotten their good news and they have gone on to finalize that adoption. And I even had the privilege of meeting that sweet baby recently. He truly is a shining light and his smile melts hearts.

I am obviously a big believer in the power of prayer - but news that an intention that I prayed for had come to fruition in such a real and concrete way really overwhelmed me. How often do we get to pray in hope of things AND see them answered? It was truly a moment I could have prayed for anything... especially just for myself... and no one would have even known. God listened to my exact words. He heard me. And yet as I sit here, with no baby in my arms, I am also struck with the emptiness of that. That is what I have come to learn of subfertility and infertility --> you can all at once be filled with hope and emptiness.

If God reads blogs, I'm ready for the second half of that prayer now. Amen.