I can hardly believe that nine months have come and gone. The absence of you weighs so heavily on me that I still find myself catching my breath when I think of you. You should be *here*. I cry tears of longing for you as I type this and I never even got to meet you.
You were my sweet, lovely, and gentle child. That's how you got that beautiful Irish name of yours. Sadhbh (pronounced 'Sawv') means exactly that: sweet, lovely, gentle lady. And that's all I knew of you: gentleness. Even in the pain of losing you, you were gentle. It's all I'll ever know of you too, isn't it? I promised your daddy that we would keep with family tradition and name you with an Irish name. We would have taught you how to speak Irish too, if we had the chance. Instead, we find ourselves praying in Irish - hoping you can hear us from Heaven, hoping it's a connection that finds its way to you.
We know you must have had beautiful blue or green eyes because we both gave them to you. And the deep-set dimples that melt my heart when I look at your father... they would have been on your face too, because you would have gotten them from us both. You surely had wavy or curly hair and I would have brushed it and braided it so gently for you.
Sadhbh, you have always been so, so, so very wanted. You were my birthday gift, but you should have had an opal for a birth stone. You are wanted every day that I wake up from dreaming about who you must have and would have been. Some days I try to be brave and hold back the pain I feel without you here...and of course I try not to cry all of these very salty tears. Today I can't seem to muster the strength though. I just want to hold you and kiss you and cuddle you and love on you. Instead I sit here aching with emptiness.
It should be a comfort to know that the first thing you ever saw was the face of God and His mother. Most days it's not any comfort though, if I'm being honest. I just ache at all that is missing here in my arms. The void is shaped like you.
My sweet, gentle girl... pray for me and your daddy and pray for my oh so broken heart. Take care of your brother up there too. Give him the hugs and kisses I can't. Even if he squirms. Boys do that...
Slán go fóill, mo iníon álainn
-Someone who doesn't know how to be a mommy yet, but desperately wants to learn how to be yours