Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Infertility Awareness: A Catholic Perspective





One in six couples will experience infertility at some point in their marriage. Infertility is medically defined as the inability to conceive after 12 cycles of “unprotected” intercourse or 6 cycles using “fertility-focused” intercourse. A couple who has never conceived has “primary infertility” and a couple who has conceived in the past (regardless of the outcome) but is unable to again has “secondary infertility”. Many couples who experience infertility have also experienced miscarriage or pregnancy loss.

This week, April 19 – 25, 2015 is National Infertility Awareness Week.

We, a group of Catholic women who have experienced infertility, would like to take a moment to share with you what the experience of infertility is like, share ways that you can be of support to a family member or friend, and share resources that are helpful.

If you are experiencing infertility, please know you are not alone. You are loved and prayed for and there are resources to help you with the spiritual, emotional, and medical aspects of this journey.



In the beginning of trying to conceive a child, there is much hope and anticipation; for some, even a small fear of “what if we get pregnant right away?” There is planning of how to tell your husband and when you’d announce to the rest of the family. It is a joyful time that for most couples results in a positive pregnancy test within the first few months. However, for one in six couples, the months go by without a positive test and the fears and doubts begin to creep in. At the 6th month of trying using fertility-focused intercourse (using Natural Family Planning), the couple knows something is wrong and is considered “infertile” by doctors who understand the charting of a woman’s pattern of fertility. At the 9th month of trying, the month that, had they conceived that first month, a baby would have been arriving, is often the most painful of the early milestones. At the 12th month mark the couple “earns” the label from the mainstream medical community as “infertile”.

As the months go by, the hopes and dreams are replaced with fears, doubts, and the most invasive doctors’ appointments possible. As a Catholic couple faithful to the teachings of the Church, we are presented by secular doctors with options that are not options for us and are told things like “you’ll never have children” and “you have unexplained infertility”; by our Catholic doctors we are told to keep praying and to have hope as they roll up their sleeves and work hard to figure out the cause of our infertility, with each visit asking, “How are you and your husband doing with all of this?”

We find it hard to fit in. We have faith and values that are different than our secular culture, but our small families, whether childless (primary infertility) or with fewer children than we hoped for (secondary infertility), make us blend in with the norm. We have faith and values that are in line with the teachings of our Church, but our daily life looks so much different than the others who share those values and that makes us stand out in a way that we would rather not. We are Catholic husbands and wives living out our vocation fully. Our openness to life does not come in the form of children; it takes on the form of a quiet “no” or “not yet” or “maybe never” from God each month as we slowly trod along. Our openness to and respect for life courageously resists the temptations presented to us by the secular artificial reproductive technology industry.

Often times our friends and family do not know what to say to us, and so they choose to not say anything. Our infertility stands like a great big elephant in the room that separates us from others. Most of the time, we don’t want to talk about it, especially not in public or in group settings because it is painful and we will often shed tears. We realize it is difficult and ask that you realize this difficulty as well. We will do our best to be patient and to explain our situation to those who genuinely would like to know, but please respect our privacy and the boundaries we establish, as not only is infertility painful, it is also very personal.

One of the hardest experiences of infertility is that it is cyclical. Each month we get our hopes up as we try; we know what our due date would be as soon as we ovulate; we know how we would share the news with our husband and when and how we would tell our parents. We spend two weeks walking a fine line between hope and realism, between dreaming and despairing. When our next cycle begins – with cramps and bleeding and tears – we often only have a day or two before we must begin taking the medications that are meant to help us conceive. There is little to no time to mourn the dream that is once again not achievable; no time to truly allow ourselves to heal from one disappointment before we must begin hoping and trying again. We do not get to pick what days our hormones will plummet or how the medications we are often taking will affect us. We do not get to pick the day that would be “best” for us for our next cycle to start. We are at the mercy of hope, and while that hope keeps us going it is also what leaves us in tears when it is not realized.

Some will experience infertility with a complete lack of cycles. Some couples won't even get to experience the benefit of being able to really try to conceive because of this harsh reality, which is a constant reminder of brokenness for those experiencing it. The pain and anxiety that comes from a lack of reproductive health can be crippling.

And yet others, despite hormonal dysfunction and health issues, will experience the cyclical nature of infertility through conception itself (or recurring conception). These couples go on to lose their children (early, full term, or shortly after birth, and anywhere in between) either once or many times. If you know that we've experienced a loss (something we may or may not have the courage to share), know that we are grieving. It wasn't "just" a pregnancy or "just another" pregnancy that was lost; it was our living baby that died. And we are more likely to be traumatized by the cyclical nature of our infertility because of our losses. We do not get to choose that our cycles will mimic our losses. We are at the mercy of hope.

Our faith is tested. We ask God “why?”, we yell at Him; we draw closer to God and we push Him away. Mass brings us to tears more often than not and the season of Advent brings us to our knees. The chorus of “Happy Mother’s Day” that surrounds us at Mass every year will be almost more devastating than the blessing of mothers itself. We know that the Lord is trustworthy and that we can trust in Him; sometimes it is just a bigger task than we can achieve on our own.








* Pray for us. Truly, it is the best thing that anyone can do.

* Do not make assumptions about anything - not the size of a family or whether or not a couple knows what is morally acceptable to the Church. Most couples who experience infertility do so in silence and these assumptions only add to the pain. If you are genuinely interested, and not merely curious, begin a genuine friendship and discover the truth over time.

* Do not offer advice such as “just relax," “you should adopt," “try this medical option or that medical option” – or really give any advice. Infertility is a symptom of an underlying medical problem; a medical problem that often involves complicated and invasive treatment to cure.

* Do not assume that we will adopt. Adoption is a separate calling and should be discerned by every married couple irrespective of their ability to conceive biological children. Infertility does not automatically mean that a couple is meant to adopt.

* Do not assume that if we try to adopt that the process will be successful. Many adoption attempts fail and don't result in a couple receiving a child placement (temporarily or permanently). Some couples are flat out rejected from attempting to adopt by different agencies and governments. Just like adoption is an incredibly intrusive and emotionally charged issue that is part of a separate calling in the journey to "parenthood", it isn't always a possibility for infertile parents. Do not assume we can. And be gentle if we are trying. It's extra painful to be infertile and not be able to adopt. And we are likely so hurt that we can't bear to share the details with everyone.

* Ask how we are doing and be willing to hear and be present for the “real” answer. Often times we answer, “OK” because that’s the easy, “safe” answer. Let us know that you are willing to walk through this tough time with us. Frequently we just need someone who is willing to listen and give us a hug and let us know we are loved.

* Offer a Mass for us or give us a prayer card or medal to let us know you are praying for us. Just please refrain from telling us how we must pray this novena or ask for that saint’s intercession. Most likely we’ve prayed it and ask for the intercession daily. Please feel free to pray novenas and ask for intercession on our behalf.

* Be tolerant and patient. The medications we take can leave us at less than our best; we may not have the energy or ability to do much. Please also respect us when we say "no, thank you" to food or drinks. We may have restricted diets due to our medical conditions and/or medications.

* Share the good news of your pregnancy privately (preferably in an email or card or letter and not via text, IM chat, phone call or in person) and as soon as possible. Please understand that we are truly filled with joy for you; any sadness we feel is because we have been reminded of our own pain and we often feel horrible guilt over it as well. Please be patient and kind if we don’t respond immediately, attend your baby shower or don’t “Like” all of your Facebook updates about your children. Again, it is really about us, not you.

* Help steer group conversations away from pregnancy and parenting topics when we are around. We like to be able to interact in a conversation to which we can contribute meaningfully.

*Do not exclude us from your life because you think we may be uncomfortable. It is actually more painful to be left out because of the cross we're carrying, and we know that doesn't make a lot of sense to our families and friends. We will excuse ourselves from events or situations if we must, and please let us do so gracefully if the circumstance arises.

* Do not ask when we are going to “start a family” (we started one the day we got married).

* Do not ask which one of us is the “problem” – we are either fertile or infertile as a couple.

* Do grieve with us if you know that we've experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death (or many). You may not know what to say to comfort us, and that's ok. Let us grieve at our own pace and on our own schedule without guilt or explanations, even if we have living children. Do not offer platitudes for why you think it happened, how you think it's part of God's plan for us to suffer, or any number of things you think might have been wrong with the child. It was our living baby that died. Let us grieve, pray for us, and if you can, let us know you care by being there for us in our grief. Let us know that you remember that our baby lived, no matter how short of a life. 

* Do not say things like "I know you'll be parents some day," or "It will happen, I know it will!" Along the same lines, please do not tell us stories of a couple you know who struggled for years and went on to conceive or to "just adopt and then you'll get pregnant" (this one actually only happens a small percentage of the time). Only God knows what our future holds, please pray with us that we are able to graciously accept His will for our lives.

* Do not pity us. Yes, we have much sorrow. Yes, we struggle. But, we place our faith in God, lean on the grace of our marriage, and trust that someday, whether here on earth or in heaven, we will see and understand God’s plan.

___________________________________________________

Because this topic is so difficult for so many women and men, the best thing our friends and family can do (and indeed strangers we encounter who may be aware of our struggles) is pray for us. We are grateful for those who offer their prayers and support in a gentle way. Your support is invaluable to us.

Lastly, remember that compassion means "to suffer with". We didn't sign up for this to happen. We can't control whether we overcome this. And we're doing our best to navigate the murky waters and maintain our sanity and our faith and our relationships with our family and friends through it all. We truly need your support and love to accomplish that. Please, please suffer with us and be Christ to us. No other understanding of our cross will be more merciful or more loving than if you put yourself in a situation to sympathize or empathize with us. The pain of infertility is exacerbated by the fact that it draws us into ourselves. We need your help to remind us in the most difficult moments that we aren't alone, God didn't forget us, and that we have something precious to offer through the fruitfulness of our marriage even when it isn't manifesting in the children we so desperately want to hold. Together, we can offer up our shared suffering for Christ. It's a powerful witness to both of our faiths to travel this road together and we'll manage it better with your help than if we have to travel it all alone. 




This post was made possible through the collaboration of 430 members of a "secret" facebook group of Catholic women and men struggling with the pains of infertility in all of its forms. Together we are stronger. And in having the conversation, we are breaking the silence. If you are Catholic and experiencing the pains of infertility and would like to join a "secret" facebook support group, please send me a message on my contact form and provide me with your email address and we will happily add you to our discussion. 




This post is the fourth in a series on infertility. If you'd like to read from the beginning, click on the picture below to read the original post in the series where all of the posts will be linked.



37 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. My absolute humble pleasure to do so. Thank you for reading and sharing! <3

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  2. Thank you so much for including the bit about couples without cycles who have no chance to try. <3 near and dear to my heart, friend.

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  3. Sharing! <3 <3 <3

    Also - AMEN.

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  4. As a college student who hopes to be married in the not-too-far future, I am so thankful to be reading about this now. I will have many married friends in the coming years, and will save this for future reference. It's so, so important to not make assumptions about a family's size, and I truly hope to be able to "suffer-with" my friends who experience the cross of infertility. And if it ends up being the cross I am to carry myself in my future marriage, I pray others may be as gracious as the articles urges people to be. Thank you for sharing!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for the thoughtful words, Laura. I remember being in college and having no connection or real sense of infertility at all. And then when I eventually did find my husband and we married, we just had no idea we would have so many difficulties. You are wise beyond your years to keep things like this on the radar and be poised with the knowledge to support your friends and family if they struggle. It's a silent pain that they'll share with so few people. And truly, it's only the people who are willing to listen, not offer advice, and suffer with them that will learn about the journey.

      You sound like the kind of friend that an infertile woman is really thankful to have! <3

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  24. I am very happy to inform the general public that I am finally cured from Herpes simplex virus recently with the use of herbal medicine, the powerful herbal medicine cured me completely and i was tested negative after usage, I am using this means to inform other's who have the virus that there is a cure for Herpes simplex 1&2 . It is absolutely true. I was cured by Dr Alli, only him I can recognize who cure Herpes perfectly well. I will advice you to contact this great doctor who God has send to put an end to the sorrowful and deadly disease. Contact him via Email  Allispellhelp1@gmail.com or add him on WhatsApp +2348100772528

    ReplyDelete
  25. What a beautiful and wonderful testimony, sometimes things you don't believe can just happen. My name is Adams Vera, from U.S.A am 28 years old i got married at the age of 24 i have only one child and i was living happily. After three years of my marriage my husband behavior became so strange and i don't really understand what was going on, he packed out of the house to another woman i love him so much that i never dreamed of losing him, i try my possible best to make sure that my husband get back to me but all to no avail i cry and i cry seeking for help because i was heart broken until i coincidentally came across an online spell caster called Dr. Osasu , i contacted him and explained to him what i have been going through in my marriage and he gave me the full assurance that my husband will come back to me and my marriage will be restored, He told me what to do to get my husband back and i did, he said after 3days my husband will come back to me and start begging, it really happen it was so surprising and everything was just like a miracle, ever since my family have been living with so much happiness and our relationship was now very tight because of this great and powerful spell caster.he is a very great and powerful spell caster that can be trusted and there is nothing concerning life issues he cannot solve because i am a living testimony. i know there are so many people out there who are going through similar problems in one way or the other, believe me this is the right spell caster to contact and all your problems will be forgotten. contact Dr. Osasu viaWhatsapp: +2347064365391 Email:Account drosasu25@gmail.com

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  26. I WANT TO LET THE WORLD KNOW ABOUT THE MIGHTY SPELL CASTER DR OKEKE ODIN WHO HELPED ME BROUGHT BACK MY HUSBAND BACK HOME TO MY KIDS. I WAS MARRIED TO MY HUSBAND WILLIAM SCOTCH FOR SEVEN YEARS AND WE LIVED HAPPILY TOGETHER UNTIL A CERTAIN DAY HE JUST WOKE UP FROM SLEEP TO TELL ME THAT HE DOES NOT LOVE ME ANY MORE. AT FIRST I TAUGHT IT WAS A JOKE BUT WITH TIME I BECAME TO SEE THAT HE WAS SERIOUS.WE ALREADY HAVE TWO KIDS TOGETHER AND I WAS ALREADY PREGNANT FOR MY THIRD BABY. SO A DAY CAME WHEN HE JUST ARRANGED HIS BAGS AND SAID HE WAS LEAVING THE HOUSE FOR GOOD AND NOT LONGER INTERESTED IN THE RELATIONSHIP. I FOUND OUT THAT HE WAS IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER GIRL AND THEY BOTH TRAVELED OUT OF THE STATE. AS I WAS READING THROUGH THE INTERNET ABOUT DIVORCE, I READ ABOUT THIS GREAT SPELL CASTER DR OKEKE SO I CONTACTED HIM FOR HELP. HE TOLD ME NOT TO WORRY THAT IN JUST 48 HOURS, THAT MY HUSBAND WAS GOING TO COME BACK. I NEVER BELIEVED HIM UNTIL THE FOLLOWING DAY WHEN MY HUSBAND CAME TO THE HOUSE ASKING FOR MY FORGIVENESS. NOW WE ARE HAPPY TOGETHER WITH OUR KIDS AND THE EVIL WOMAN THAT CAUSE THE PROBLEM IN MY MARRIAGE WAS SENT AWAY BY MY HUSBAND. YOU CAN CONTACT DR OKEKE TODAY TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE OR RELATIONSHIP REACH HIM ON HIS (writelovespell@gmail.com) or reach him on whatsAp on +2348140443360 HE IS THE BEST SPELL CASTER AND SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS AND PREDICAMENTS HE CAN ALSO HELP WITH THE FOLLOWING PROBLEM
    1. DIVORCE SPELL
    2. HERPES CURE
    3. CANCER CURE
    4. PREGNANCY SPELL
    5. DIABETES CURE
    6. MARRIAGE SPELL
    AND MANY MORE

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  27. Ever since my husband got me divorced for the past 2 years, i v'e not been my self. I was reviewing some post of how i could get back my husband then, i saw a testimony shared by Marina Choas from SWEDEN about a spell caster named Dr. Okosun. I contacted Marina Chaos to confirm about how Dr. Okosun helped her and she clarified everything to me of how he helped her and that gave me the courage to get in touch with Dr. OKosun for help. Dr. Okosun assured me that my days of sorrows will be over within 48hours after he has finished with his work. I followed his instructions he gave to me because i had the believe, faith, hope and trust in him. Verily i say to you today that i and my husband are back together and i can proudly say and testify to the world of what Dr. Okosun did for me. Contact him today via E-mail:(Okosunspelltemple33@gmail.com call him or whatsapp him +2348133974847 if you seek his help.

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  28. I had struggle relationship with my husband in the past which led to divorce with my first husband. After i and my ex husband got divorced, i had another chance to re-marry again and just 5 years of my second marriage there was another divorce which almost killed me emotionally. I stayed for another two years been unmarried and a single mother. Honestly I wasn't really happy it because every woman need a man in her life, there was a time i saw my first husbands photo and i realized how much i loved him and have missed him. I tried to get to him but i was told that he moved on with his life and we may never been together again. I wept bitterly that night thinking i have lost the man that i have had so much love for. I asked for advise on what to do and a friend of mine gave me a contact of Osasu Solution Temple, i consulted him and to his very best with his powerful spells he helped me with a Reunion Marriage Love Spell to returned my ex husband back to me, in just 9 days i had enchanter with a spiritual reunion prayers with priest Osasu everything turn around for good in my life, I am now happily living with my first husband again and sort out the divorce issues. with the help of Osasu temple, his a man of wisdom and care. Thanks and i appreciate all the help you have rendered to get my ex husband back into my life again. I testify here today that Osasu temple is powerful it can resolve all problem in a broken relationship with love once. contact him for solutions to any kind of relationship problem. Email....(drosasu25@gmail.com) You can also call him or add him on WhatsApp +2347064365391

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  29. HOW DR. UNEME brought back my ex lover unemespellben@gmail.com
    Am DONNA, am from UK. After been in a relationship with my Boyfriend for 1 year now and we were planning to get married soon and all of a sudden he left me for another girl. of a truth, I really love this guy and never can I imagine life without him. I further tried all my best to get him back but all my effort to get him back in my life did not work out. It was on this faithful day, I came across some Testimonies on a website about this great spell caster called (Dr. UNEME) any persons claimed that he help them to renew their relationship and bring their ex lover back, I had to contact him because he was my last hope. I contacted him through his email and he assured me that in three days time my boyfriend is going to leave the other girl and come back to me and it was a very great surprise to see my boyfriend coming back to me after three days the spell was done. I am so very happy today that he came back to me and i achieved this with the help of Dr UNEME I equally want to use this opportunity to Tell/Advice to as many who need their ex back, if you need his help you can Contact him through
    EMAIL: unemespellben@gmail.com WHATSAPP HIM @ +2348143813120


    Thank You Once Again Dr.UNEME

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  30. I never thought i would be HIV negative again after been diagnosed in 2017, i have tried everything possible in life from one doctor to another, one hospital to another, series of tests, different kinds of medication, i had already lost hope until i meet Great Dr. OSAGIE online testimonies, a specialist in herbal medication from Africa, i contacted him (drosagiesolutiontemple@gmail.com OR
    DROSAGIESOULTIONTEMPLE@YAHOO.COM) and he prepared HIV herbal medication for me which i took for 14days and now i am completely cured. i want to use this medium to express my gratitude to him for saving my life and curing me from HIV, for taking away all my pains and sorrows, I''m indeed grateful and i am so happy I''m now HIV negative. i will continue to tell the good news of your great works to everyone, if you have HIV or other disease contact him, Email: his email: (drosagiesolutiontemple@gmail.com OR
    DROSAGIESOULTIONTEMPLE@YAHOO.COM ) or Whatsapp number: +2347030465649
    DOCTOR OSAGIE CAN AS WELL HELP THE FOLLOWING PROBLEMS
    1. HIV/AIDS SPELL
    2. HERPES CURE OF KIND
    3. CANCER SPELL
    4 IF YOU WANT YOUR EX LOVER BACK SPELL
    5 IF YOU NEED A BABY SPELL him to solve
    6 LOW SPERM COUNT SPELL
    get all your problem solve. No problem is too big for him to solve.

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  31. I am very grateful to this great spell caster who brought my ex husband back to me. This testimony is an amazing one and my name is Renato Sanchez. When i came in contact with this man it was also through a testimony written about him and i have also encountered many testimonies about how he has been helping others with their life. To get back with an ex is one of the most inner most feeling many people would love to experience especially as those memories with our ex always cloud our mind when someone else does some of those things our ex used to do. I was a single parent for almost 6 years and though my ex husband was far away from my kids i still wish someday he will return back to me. This spell doctor i encountered known as Doctor UZOYA helped me with my wishes and i am happy to say that i am back with my ex husband and i am very happy sharing the testimony with everyone so that they too can meet this great doctor and solve their problems. his contact address; driraborspellcaster@gmail.com OR call his Whatsapp number on +1(301)909 8775. thank you so much Dr,UZOYA    

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  32. I am very grateful to this great spell caster who brought my ex husband back to me. This testimony is an amazing one and my name is Renato Sanchez. When i came in contact with this man it was also through a testimony written about him and i have also encountered many testimonies about how he has been helping others with their life. To get back with an ex is one of the most inner most feeling many people would love to experience especially as those memories with our ex always cloud our mind when someone else does some of those things our ex used to do. I was a single parent for almost 6 years and though my ex husband was far away from my kids i still wish someday he will return back to me. This spell doctor i encountered known as Doctor UZOYA helped me with my wishes and i am happy to say that i am back with my ex husband and i am very happy sharing the testimony with everyone so that they too can meet this great doctor and solve their problems. his contact address; driraborspellcaster@gmail.com OR call his Whatsapp number on +1(301)909 8775. thank you so much Dr,UZOYA    

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  33. A big thanks to Dr Oselumen i never believe that there still exist a real death spell caster after all this years of disappointment from the enormous spammers on the Internet who go about scamming people, until i was opportune to meet Dr Oselumen a real spell caster, through a close friend called Jennifer who Dr oselumen had helped before, when i contacted him with his email via droselumen@gmail.com i explain how my ex have been giving me problem in my marriage, she never allowed me a moment of peace, and i need to end it by killing her, and i don't want to make use of assassin because it will be risky so i needed to do it in a spiritual way that's why i decided to contact him, he assured me not to worry as i have contacted the right person at the right time, i co-operated with him and in less than a week my ex was dead, she slept and never woke up all thanks to Dr Oselumen indeed he's really a humble man. you can contact dr oselumen for any death spell, such as to kill your superior in the office and take his or her place, death spell to kill your father and inherit his wealth ,death spell to kill anyone who have scammed you in the past ,spell for increase in salaries, spell for promotion at the office, spell to get your ex lover back, if things is not working well in your life then you need to contact him now via Email droselumen@gmail.com call or add him on whatsapp +2348054265852.

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