We did that thing couples do when they love each other... it involved an aisle, a pretty dress, and walking towards the guy I'd learn more about *after* marrying him than I ever possibly could have in all the years before that. In the time since we married, we may have learned a couple of things. *May* have...... So here I am, linking up with Mary @ Better than Eden to share the things we (laughably think we) have learned
since we tied the Celtic knot. Here's our giant list. Don't laugh at us too hard, k? ;)
1.
When she says she loves the beach don't take her to the Alps *again*
Ok, this is definitely something we have learned to laugh about. (That kind of uncomfortable laugh where you are really nervous it's going to happen again.) Ha! My DH asked me what kind of honeymoon I might enjoy. The beach! Always the beach, said the bride. I was getting overwhelmed with wedding planning at the time (how is that over 3 years ago already??), and the priest who was preparing us offered to take the honeymoon planning off my plate and put it onto DH's plate to check it off my list. He even offered to help DH too. It all sounded like a wonderful idea at the time. Looking back, I clearly remember saying "I'll be packing sundresses and flip flops and will be ready for a hot beach and a frozen drink after this"...so.many.times. And it's true - when I packed my suitcase for our honeymoon, it was filled with thin sundresses, maxi skirts, flip flops, and a very colorful beach towel. I had pelvic surgery *just* before my wedding (2 weeks) and was still recovering, oozing stitches and all, on my wedding day. In case you haven't already guessed, this is the story of how I looked like a Jamaican traveling in the German Alps.
"Taking things off the plate" isn't really a good form of communication. We've learned that we have to talk to each other and we can't assume we know what the other person wants. Well-meaning "others" aren't a substitute for the two of us talking about the things that affect our lives singularly. No matter how sure we are, we just have to communicate. And the consequence of not communicating is a lot of needless yelling and tears on a 10,000 foot fly-over highway in the middle of the pouring rain in a foreign country that is uphill both ways...while an out-of-date GPS keeps telling you to take an immediate left into an Alpine abyss. It was a communication failure on both our parts - and we have definitely learned our lesson. The funny thing about this is that we've never since made it to a warm beach where we can relax for vacation. And we've traveled to many places in many different countries since our vows. The only trips we've had so far have been fast-paced jaunts to...you guessed it...the Alps. Always the Alps. It's like they are 15,000 feet high and actively mocking my want to be in the Mediterranean. Such is a metaphor for happy married life. It's not where you go, it's who you go with. Love you, sweetie! Please don't take me to the Alps.
"Taking things off the plate" isn't really a good form of communication. We've learned that we have to talk to each other and we can't assume we know what the other person wants. Well-meaning "others" aren't a substitute for the two of us talking about the things that affect our lives singularly. No matter how sure we are, we just have to communicate. And the consequence of not communicating is a lot of needless yelling and tears on a 10,000 foot fly-over highway in the middle of the pouring rain in a foreign country that is uphill both ways...while an out-of-date GPS keeps telling you to take an immediate left into an Alpine abyss. It was a communication failure on both our parts - and we have definitely learned our lesson. The funny thing about this is that we've never since made it to a warm beach where we can relax for vacation. And we've traveled to many places in many different countries since our vows. The only trips we've had so far have been fast-paced jaunts to...you guessed it...the Alps. Always the Alps. It's like they are 15,000 feet high and actively mocking my want to be in the Mediterranean. Such is a metaphor for happy married life. It's not where you go, it's who you go with. Love you, sweetie! Please don't take me to the Alps.
2.
Vows on the altar provide no guarantee on the order they are lived out
When my husband and I got married, the vows we made to each other included "I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health...". We joke with each other that there was no promise we'd get good times before bad. But then look at the juxtaposition of that last part! Interestingly enough sickness comes before health in the marriage vows of a Catholic ceremony. The truth is that our marriage (to date) has been filled with a whole-lotta-sickness. We've lost all our children due to my illnesses, in one way or another. I can't pretend they aren't connected. Thyroid, adrenals, ovaries, immune system, hormones... it's been a giant mess of a puzzle to unravel. We're figuring it all out one day at a time. [I would also like to take this moment to tell all prospective couples who seek marriage to learn about the important medical condition known as "hanger". While not as serious as some other conditions, it is known to exacerbate all pre-existing illnesses. The more you know...now back to your regularly scheduled paragraph.] Nothing could have possibly prepared us on our wedding day for the illness that followed. Except the order of those words in our vows! Every bit of what we spoke to each other was meant the day that we said it, but we have learned in the years that have followed those sacred vows... that the actual words were something we could trust. There will be good. And bad. There will be sickness. And it will come before health. But at the end of the day... whichever kind it has been (good, bad, sick, or healthy), I find myself reflecting on how we had no clue when we spoke those vows. And yet we really did think and feel like we meant every word of them. God is teaching us to live it all one day at a time. To find new meaning in something we thought we understood. And we are growing and changing everyday as people and as the couple that God allows us to be. That growth will weave the fabric of our love story in amazing ways that we've yet to grasp or even have inspiration to dream up yet. Amazing how the things that don't look pretty can be so beautiful, isn't it?
Those first few years in many ways are often harder than the ones that follow. So much of an eye-opening! And I agree, we knew what those vows meant back on that day but we sure didn't KNOW know. Thank you so much for linking up and I REALLY hope you get to the beach soon!!
ReplyDeleteAfter hearing all the stories that veteran married couples tell us, we don't think we're doing too bad. For every memorable beach honeymoon we've heard about from friends and family, we've equally heard about scenic Tuscan honeymoon flops, African safari nightmares, Australian outback disappointments....and of course the couples who have not been able to take honeymoons at all. At least we can laugh at ourselves, which I find a lot more important than anything else related to preference!
DeleteIt's funny that we're only just now beginning to get the sense of how little we knew what those vows meant! Like you said "we knew, but we didn't KNOW know." hahaha! :) Thanks for creating the link-up. I had a lot of fun thinking about what to write...and have enjoyed reading all the blogs that linked up to yours for this one, Mary!
It was what the kids call an 'epic fail' on my part! I don't even know what I was thinking now. It must have been wedding stress because I remember being told about the beach and I remember thinking REALLY, REALLY hard-- "What would my soon-to-be-wife like as a surprise honeymoon?"-- but the two memories are like completely disconnected memories.
ReplyDeleteI think I KNEW that I had no idea what my vows really entailed! It's a bit like saying the Creed. What does "consubtantial with the father?" mean. I only have a vague idea, but I believe it.
Honestly, you'll be vacationing at hot beaches for the rest of your life....so I can't feel *too* bad about the penance that awaits!! :P I love you, sweetie. And it was much more the thought that counted than the German uphill-both-ways experience. What woman doesn't enjoy exploring Nazi ruins on her honeymoon?? lol
DeleteI agree on the vows though. It's not like we recited them mindlessly. But it's not like we had ANY clue of what lay ahead either. I'd be curious to know what your 2 things might have been for this link-up idea.
Soaking up the rays in a deckchair on white sands sounds like a good penance to me.
DeleteMy two things...I'm not sure! It's a big question. But I think, possibly....never underestimate the power of a hug, and don't make challenges and difficulties grow into Godzillas in your imagination. But you know how much I am still working on the second one!!
I like both of yours, love. Good to know you like the beach enough to spend so much time there in the future! ;)
DeleteCan't wait sweetie!
DeleteOh my goodness, that first one made me laugh. I hope you get to the beach someday soon. :)
ReplyDeleteI've been perusing your blog, and my word, you two have been through a lot in your 2+ years! I'm glad you've kept a sense of humor through it all. That alone will help you both through difficult times. I'll be praying for you.
Me too, Christine!! hahaha :)
DeleteThank you so much for reading around the blog and "getting to know us". I think we actually *found* our senses of humor in all of this, funny enough. We appreciate your prayers so much. Hope you come back for a laugh now and again! :)
This is way too familiar. Almost daily, we have to remind each other that we are not mind-readers! :o)
ReplyDeleteThis is what happens when two introverts marry.........without the benefit of Jedi mind-reading powers.
DeleteI'm glad it sounds familiar if only because that means we aren't alone, friend! :)
Beaches are nowhere on my list of desired vacations. Our honeymoon was to Scotland, though most of our hotel reservations were made the night before we flew out.
ReplyDeleteShhhhhhh....or my husband will hear you. I told him ALL wives have to be taken to beaches! hahaha ;)
DeleteYour honeymoon sounds like a lot of spontaneous fun!
Oh my goodness, you are definitely due for a beach vacation! This is a beautiful post...so much here. Those vows really pack in a lot, don't they? So glad you shared this in the linkup!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Rita! Yeah, the more and more I read the vows, the more I realize we've just begun understanding them. But you know, I think I would learn faster if my toes were in the sand....with water lapping and a warm breeze running through my hair. hahaha :)
DeleteLet's see. . . the warm sand of a beach. . . the cold snowy Alps. Is there a difference? LOL. You certainly have a good story to tell!
ReplyDeleteBeing able to laugh at those kind of misunderstandings bodes very well for you. Congratulations on your two years of marriage, and many, many more to follow!
Haha! I did ask (the entire time) if there was some hidden beach I didn't know about. Thank you for the sweet congratulations and for reading our silliness as we learn how to be one person with two heads! :P
DeleteLove this! I'm totally the metaphorical alps trip planner in our relationship. Took the Hubs to a steakhouse on his birthday... where he proceeded to eat chicken because he doesn't like steak. I also fed him cheesecake for at least 3 years of Valentine's day desserts, except he doesn't really like cheesecake (except for mine I'm told, lol). Really love your reflection on the vows too, its so true.
ReplyDeleteBwahahaha! I only laugh because I understand. It's good to hear the other side, of course. We newlyweds have all the fun don't we??
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