It's pretty steady throughout the year, but once Autumn comes around, it's like a semi-automatic magazine of pain being emptied in your face daily. Halloween. Thanksgiving. Christmas. All back to back to back. The posts from your family and friends are really just a reminder of weight of your own burden of infertility. So costumed children and pregnant bellies decorated like pumpkins with body paint are no longer giggle-worthy photo opportunities. They are seemingly visual proof of the blessings you prayed for that God hasn't granted you.
You struggle with how you can feel so awful about your own circumstances and yet still be happy for all of those with such joyful blessings at the same time. You wrestle with trying to ignore all of the nasty rotten.e.cards that tell you how "jealous you should be" that their children are so adorable. Throwback Thursday stops seeming like fun at all and you cringe in anticipation of it. You barely even see all the arguing about whether Halloween and All Saints Day are in direct contrast to each other. No amount of theological discussion can distract from the babies anyway...
The truth is that I would give anything to make a Halloween costume for a pudgy little baby this year. But it's not to be. I find myself wondering how to even communicate with family and friends these days because of the great divide between us that is children.
With all of that in mind, I created this photo. Feel free to share it anywhere you like. Maybe 75% of us can show a little love to the 25% of us. Maybe that isn't too much to ask?
I'm so sorry, I know how hard the holidays can be. My cycles always seem to end right on them, which always makes them so much fun. I think I've unfollowed everyone on facebook with kids to try to avoid seeing any of that, though some of it always shows up, making me yell at my computer. Thank you for creating the photo, anything can make a difference :).
ReplyDeleteOh the misery of holidays and cycles ending on them! Also, I feel like yelling at the computer is a legitimate pastime at this point, don't you? :P
DeleteLifting you in prayer. Hugs
ReplyDeleteAs always, thank you for your prayers, Patty <3
DeleteI'm glad you said this. Somehow Halloween is the worst of all in my book. I know that many adults celebrate it, but it really is about the kids a lot. Kids in costumes for FOREVER. I mean, they've been showing up for weeks! I was doing semi-okay with it all, but today I topped out on what I can handle and even though I wish that being childless (for whatever reason) was not so common, I'm really glad to hear someone else say some of what I'm thinking!
ReplyDeleteYeah, it's funny how childlessness strikes in a different way on holidays, isn't it? And I agree wholeheartedly to the phrase "for whatever reason". Amen. Sorry and happy this resonated with people at the same time. Loneliness and isolation seem like the only way to make childlessness worse, doesn't it?
DeleteI am so sorry Halloween is so hard for you! Somehow it's gotten easier for me; Christmas is still the hardest for me. Most of the time I enjoy seeing the kids in their costumes, possibly partly because we usually see mostly school-age children. Babies and toddlers are the hardest for me, and most of the children of our friends and family are getting older. As they have gotten older it's become easier for me to see them as unique individuals instead of someone's baby. Hugs and prayers!
ReplyDeleteI think babies at Christmas are difficult too. Lord help me, if we are ever blessed with children, they might be constantly in some kind of seasonal costume their entire childhood. :P
DeleteI am so sorry for your pain this Halloween. My eyes have been opened to the pain of being childless after losing my first in miscarriage last month. I have deleted my facebook (after 10 years) and removed myself from other social media because of what you describe in this post. I will pray for you and all others experiencing infertility. If you are interested, I just started a blog called acryofgratitude.blogspot.com to help cope with my miscarriage.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry anyone can ever understand the pain of miscarriage. I'm sorry for your loss last month, Emily. I understand the want to delete facebook. That said, some of the biggest bits of healing I've experienced have come from a small group of men and women in a secret facebook group... so turning my back on social media would have robbed me of that cathartic opportunity. If you do ever decide to make a dummy facebook profile just to join the infertility group, send me a message and I'd be happy to add you. Thank you also for sharing your blog - I'm following along with you! <3
Delete